Monday, May 26, 2008

I bought some new plants.
Since I don't really like those types of plants with flowers and whatnot, I bought an aloe vera and a moses-in-the-cradle, which now adorn my room in their pots. I'm going to try hard to keep them alive; my last aloe vera plant did pretty well until one sad day [probably overwatering instead of under] and this moses-in-the-cradle is supposed to be a hardy beast.
I have so far gotten half of what I want done, because I decided to take my 'goofing off' time earlier than my 'knuckle down' time. Oh well. I'm pretty good on being through stuff by when it needs to be done. I just have to work today [yes, I said it today] and get the rest through.
I spoke to my Italian penpal online, and she is just as happy that the year is over as I am. However, she gets out a week earlier than I do; all the same, she has 2 more years of high school compared to my 1. It's always interesting to hear the tales of mutual confinement within our respective educational establishments [yeah, that was the 'refinement' kicking in, I'm trying it out ya know?]
I feel like I should be writing, considering that I'm sitting here at a late hour with nothing to do, but lately I've just been getting scared to produce/scared to finish. It was one of my resolutions - to finish my stories and also to do some slam poetry - but for some reason there is fear in me. Stupid 'what if it isn't good enough?' and 'what if I don't have time?' kind of crap. I think it's because I've been phenomenally stressed out by school and everything has become this swirling mass of due dates and no-shows. I have to be more forgiving and at the same time more harsh. It's arghing.

Memoirs of the Worst Dancer in the World

Friday, May 23, 2008

Gah! I feel like the worst dancer in the world. Maybe because I learned the dance last week, I can use that as an excuse for my failure, but I messed up so much during the try-out today. We got in, because everyone 'got in' but I just felt like a loser and started asking people if we did well or not. Most of them said that I didn't do well or that people were freaked out about random people dancing to a Japanese anime song (which angered me, if you don't want to watch, don't comment!)
But, this was just the try-outs. I have to remember that there is 2 weeks until the actual performance and I am just going to work on Hare Hare Yukai some more in that time.
Enough about that.
For now, we have a long weekend, so I am going to catch up on some BIG HUGE assignments and then give myself some time to goof off. We are finally done with all the tests, but there are still 4-5 weeks till the end of school [liberation!] so there are many projects and essays. Ah well, there is fun stuff in between.
As of the moment, I am doing well with working out by taking Step classes, going to the gym and doing stuff with the trainer. Tomorrow I get to hear her first comments on my food journal, and hopefully I'll be able to change my habits... >.> However, I'm slightly scared considering I overheard her yelling at a guy ["FIFTY-SEVEN GRAMS OF SUGAR!" o_o]
Other than that, for now it must seem that I have a really boring life. It's probably true. However, I am quite content to end out the year with a hectic/crazy/boring life [contradictory, no?] And then it's off to NYC! *stars glitter in eyes*

Expelliarmus (And Other Weird Spells We Still Remember)

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I may be crazy, but I guess some things happen for a reason.
Yesterday was a medley of celebration and fear as we sashayed about town to commemorate the sun's awakening, our upcoming Hare Hare Yukai performance, and some general life demands. Instead of working hard, I flounced about and tried to have some fun for once. Today was the same, except with a bit more work and a little more personal benefit. Walk for Aidan was quite awesome, and then I went to the trainer and hauled ass (literally, we worked on glutes today) as beginning my exercise/dietary goals. Then afterward I dozed and felt horrible for a few hours and finally decided to go to The Hairy Baby and loved to watch the strangeness and the common themes that flitted through a surrealistic setting [also, I love Monster - he sculpts busts! (again, literally)]
Now I'm sitting at home thinking that I should be able to devote 2 hours to myself every day. One for general exercise and well-being, the other for writing and creative thought. Just because... I think I've let my life go to other people or other commitments too much [I would say lately, but it's really been all year] And so I'm going to start working on myself again, because (as my trainer would say) I've 'fallen off the wagon' in terms of appreciating the fact that I'm an 'artist' and a human being. I'm going to have to push to the end of the year in some things, but I can't believe how much time I spend sitting around thinking to do something and then either being too scared or too stressed to do it. It's something I really need to get rid of - hesitation.
And thus, with that effervescent glow about me, I'm going to retire to my bed. Goodnight.


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I found the pattern that I made up for this really simple bag and I thought I'd put it up so as to showcase a very simple and very cool book bag. Enjoy!

Use 3 balls of worsted weight yarn (any colors as long as they look harmonious) and size 4 US circular needles (2).
- Make a sl knot out of each yarn and put on needle in order shown below
- CO 120 sts in color pattern
- Join in the round
- K using the chart below for each row
- Make 14 reps of the 3 rows or K until 12” long
- Split sts to 2 needles and Kitchener st closed
- Make 2 I-cords for handles using all 3 colors at once until each is 18” long
- Pin handles 2" down from the top edge of bag
- Sew handles to bag and weave in all ends
X = medium color
O = lightest color
M = darkest color

Check out some more knitting that I've done, in particular this amazing skirt project!

There Is...

Saturday, May 10, 2008

There is something delicately strange in giving up everything.
When you feel that your life is going down the shithole and you're just struggling to climb on top of the pile and flee before it is 'too late.' There's some thin membrane there, something that buoys you up from the wave of all these crazy things.
I believe that it grows over time, this trampoline force which bounces you back onto your living room floor to start planning and scheming again. All the past rages and depressions and deep deep apathies which people string together like ghastly-lit pearls - they're all just part of the building. To weather through the storm more than once can either shatter you or make you stronger. Wouldn't we all prefer the latter?
I'm not sure why I'm posting like this; I'm not depressed and nothing is going on to make me feel insane. Maybe it's just the slow breath of the world, the influence of all those friends and not-friends who are struggling together and trying instead to make their lives a little less gloomy.
Maybe my life right now is fine enough. And maybe I'm just noticing the brevity of it.

Sheryl Crow - Good is Good

Thursday, May 8, 2008

He deserves her.
He deserves anything to make him happy. I really want him to be happy.
I use the general 'he' here because there are a few menfolk who need to be happy again. I won't name them, but really - sometimes there is no substitution for someone to nurse your thoughts with, to heal your wounds.
I don't know why I'm getting all sentimental right now, but probably because it's late and I'm talking to Kita about the world and the recent plot of my life has been so driven towards gratification in some way. I need to stop thinking of it that way, but it will take all of my willpower to do so. I'm going to start on my health plans and I'm going to learn to cook and I'm going to fall in love and I'm going to read. I'm going to learn and breathe and take steps forward - baby steps, but steps nonetheless.
I am going to give up my happiness.
I have been so content lately, it just seems that I should be doing something with it. I know that right now is exam month and everything is supposed to be selfishly focused, but I feel maybe I should at least write in a selfless way to buoy up those thoughts. To hold on to something I really believe in amidst all the complaining and problems of these petty little pieces of paper called 'tests.'
She deserves him. And he deserves her. They deserve happiness. And I wish there was some way to give it.


Sunday, May 4, 2008

So I've been extensively prolific in the last few days. Either the vomit of ranting out ideas has shoveled its way up my throat and through my fingertips or I'm just tearing down the 'pretty, sugar & spice' girl that people seem to want from me. Both are extremely satisfying.
I'm realizing that I use recurring words or ways to get out of things in my stories/poems/writing. When I can't think of anything at all, I will insert the word 'soft' or 'separate' or 'belief'. To get out of nearly any situation, I use a doorbell. I have yet to figure out what this means.
I've been trying to raise poems out of the muck of my half-breed drawing poems where the words curl around violent shapes and don't have a clear beginning or end. It's kind of fun, but also challenging. Because I am such a noob that I use the words 'soft' and 'separate' about every other damned sentence. So here it goes, a poem created out of a half-baked one which I hope may one day turn into a slam which I can then bring to the stage. Grr. Now it makes this seem all important.

Time to retract. Restate. Rebuild.
It's no longer a matter of justice - only politics. Only progress.
Move forward, ask questions later;
Were you ready? To move on to the next philosophy?
An open-book policy only drags you down,
Words are drowned out by the constant hum of the printed page -
The textbook expectations of your mass-produced mindset,
Words. Are. The. Meaning.
Words were the meaning...
Are you ready to go yet? Are you ready now?
We pride ourselves on that ideal which separates man from monkeys.
Think now, do later,
But I can't absorb your soft prayers to foot soaks and anti-bacterial sprays,
Think. Think about what you're doing to yourself;
Cover me up with the plastic remnants,
And shower me with this mantra in order to heal.
Words Are The Meaning. Words Are The Meaning.
Where are your suppressions?
To be human is all about suppression.
Rebirth. Direction.
Take a position. Take a stand.
Overexpose the soft sentiment for a brief glimpse at clarity:
Maybe you'll catch a glimpse of something intensely real.
Words were the meaning; now actions count as currency.
Clamor for the bleeding earth, bio-diesel, safer products, richer soil, hair extensions, tofu lunches...
Then, when all is said and done,
Can you hear your slow heart beating?
That steady swirl of black ink in your veins?
Words are the meaning.
There are places for your empty pause.
My heart is not one of them.

Story of My Life...

Friday, May 2, 2008

So, hopefully, I can bring up my health quotient by starting to go with a personal trainer (which my dad has so kindly decided to allow me to take instead of him). I feel kind of horrid that I wasn't getting any better with tennis or on my own, but I think that's because I'm not eating well either. It's somewhat de-motivating to look down at the scale and see that you're ten pounds heavier, even though you've been working out and whatnot.
I think I'll start tracking calories like Heathy said, and then also go with the 1 hour workout every day in order to keep up with fitness. If I do that, I would like to get down under 130 pounds, because that is my 'ideal weight' or so they say. I would really like to build arm strength and stamina and perhaps some tennis skills, but right now general fitness is my goal.
Gah. Sorry. I just needed to write that down because I got really unhappy with myself when I figured this out. I thought I was 140, but it's been so long since I've weighed me that I am now 150. Grr... Other than that, I feel quite fine.
I've decided that I will be doing a lot of things, and most of them are brain-oriented. That's the problem. I want to be well-rounded, but that 'rounding' includes fitness and the idea of self-worth. I'm starting to feel good about myself, and I'm starting to really find who I am, but at the same time that's still a start. I need to be disciplined to get anywhere from it. And, since I am quite the willful child, I guess I have to do things on my own. So...
Coming Soon:
J With A Workout Schedule
J Writing in Action
J Being Socially Sound

Spontaneous Omnipotency

Thursday, May 1, 2008

It's Raining Men - Weather Girls.
Ok, so I must be a psycho-being from the interplanetary regions of JDishia, which I thought was an island but is apparently stranded in a parallel universe where planets are equally islands in the galaxy. I am a reckless charge of insanity and guess what? It's AMAZING.
I don't know where this sudden burst of energy comes from really (probably the sublime imagery of something strange peddling through the waters of my own backwards brain) but I have a feeling that it might end in a way I don't expect. There are some things that I'm just dancing around right now and I feel as if I should talk about them, but who wants to be loopy as the Queen of Hearts and still make sense with every word she writes? Right? Understandably so.
So, generally, this post wasn't really about making sense. I just wanted to get some crazy out onto the page before having to compose myself and find a little bit more 'sense' in the workings of the universe which they call the sciences and math-matics. Excuse me, mathEmatics. Whereas I would sit in a class all day with the quite benevolent study of history and the arts, and be quite at home with either of those subjects. Instead I must make reason of the unreasonably reality that gravity is a force and it is to be reckoned with. Loopier than a marshmallow, but nonetheless true.
Somewhere along the line I will explode. And then my blood and guts will flow over the barren earth and people will cheer because then there will be nourishment for the plants on which they tread, and subsequently a softer world will be made of the remnants of a J that once was. Adieu.