Posts from Memory Lane: Why Analysis is a Form of Love

These posts were written during the summer while I was in Bangladesh, in preparation for the upcoming academic year. Long story short: when I looked back at the archive, I didn't have the desire or the time to put them up. But now, since I'm coming back to the blog, I decided that some of them aren't half bad. Read on!

I love video games. And televised sports. And stand-up comedy. And any other number of media goodies that can be watched, heard, read, or played. But, what I don't love is the continued sexism and racism that I see in these media forms.

More often than not, I find myself unconsciously analyzing any media I take in - for instance, how much camera time a black tennis player got in comparison to a white tennis player during Wimbledon - and pointing out the critique. I'm not exactly silent about these observations, but for some people that takes away from the experience. They think I'm "reading too much into it," or I'm "taking away from the fun/action." Basically, they tell me to keep my comments to myself as much as possible.

Reminder: Love Yourself Today!

Happy Valentine's Day! Take today to love, thank, and give back to yourself and all the people who've supported you along the way. Here's what I'll be doing:

- Posting a silly Facebook status about love

- Drinking tea

- Taking a really intense break

- Meditating

- Contacting several of my close friends and saying "You Rock!" (un-ironically)

- Eating chocolate (courtesy of my father)

- Reading some inspirational poetry from Pablo Neruda and some life advice from Anne Lamott

- Going to Well Woman Game Night!

What about you?

What God Has Given Me

I believe I should count what I have received in my life. If I am not satisfied, I have been spoiled too long.
- I am thankful for my family, being alive and healthy.
- I am thankful to live in this country, with a house, provided for.
- I am thankful for my cats, who understand my mood swings.
- I am thankful for my best friends, Kita and Heathy and Chels and Ka-chan, who have been there for me when needed and even when not.
- I am thankful that I get to learn, have the chances.
- I am thankful for my health, my eyesight, and my nearly perfect teeth.
- I am thankful for my passion, the need to write, the opportunity to do so.
- I am thankful for the ability to read and understand.
- I am thankful for my emotions, which range far and wide, from love to tristesse.
- I am thankful for music.
- I am thankful for being able to watch the seasons change.
- I am thankful for being 17 and not dead and gone.
- I am thankful that I can work with my hands, knit, craft.
- I am thankful that my body is warm.
- I am thankful that I can breathe, in and out.
- I am thankful to take yoga, and the venture to unlock myself.
- I am thankful for knowing, for watching the news, for learning the world.
- I am thankful to be introspective; a little girl masquerading in her mother's shoes.
- I am thankful to be able to think about the future.
- I am thankful for photographs, memory books, and the visions of the mind's eye.
- I am thankful for being able to love.

Happy Life

The people you love are not always those that best care for you. And the people who care about you often are never appreciated.
I feel selfish putting myself in that second category sometimes. I think it is a truth that occurs with everyone, in many different situations. I can definitely see where it affects my own life, but where I affect others is completely subjective. And how could we really ever tell if we're best caring for someone? Or what love is? Those are all too big of questions.
School is moving fabulously, started this week and already I can sort of feel out the rest of the year. I have a glimpse at some nice things, but there is always that feeling of searching for the light at the end of the tunnel. For now, it seems pretty far away. However, going to College Corps and working on different items in general has put me in the mode of anticipation.
However, I don't feel that's readily important. I've always managed my life in a manner most becoming [or at least I hope...] and thus school is the background noise to what I want to call "real life." I have hung out with people for as many days as possible, and have started taking classes again [yoga, and a new belly dancing thing that I think I will continue] while also thinking on life in general. I've started reading Pablo Neruda again, after hearing a depressing announcement about my last math teacher. Anyway.
I can't understand why I feel so strange. It's one of those selfish things, I'm sure of it - thinking that people are getting things that I am not. I don't know what I'm jealous of... nor do I have a clear understanding of what those things are. I just feel strangely hollow, like I want for someone or something to fill this space for me.
Maybe I should put up advertisements.

I Love You

Heathy, you probably won't read this [until I tell you to on Facebook], but I love you. You made my day with your post about love and so I wanted to return the favor with a tribute post.
I really want to be a little more free. And that's sort of what I've been doing here - becoming more independent and free. Getting lost in the heat and squalor, the New York sunsets and the Globesonic dance music... Dancing till the break of dawn, laughing loudly and talking about awkward subjects, going to Dark Knight premieres and living with girls who are carefree and beautiful. I'm totally making it sound glorious, but it seems a lot like normalcy now. Like it's part of our lives. And I really don't want to leave.
I love this life. The ability to pick and choose and feel beautiful about myself in some reasonable manners. It tests me to be brave and also interesting. It makes my not-so-colorful life turn into something reasonably awesome.
So, I love you Heathy. I can't wait to see you because then I can share my adventures and love of life with you. I want to get to know myself and get out of senior year.
This is a short post, but at least I now have an inkling of consciousness to improve myself next year. [I sound so... transic. But it's not really that]

Read more posts about my awesome Barnard pre-college experience.
You may also be interested in reading more posts about my life in NYC.

Sheryl Crow - Good is Good

He deserves her.
He deserves anything to make him happy. I really want him to be happy.
I use the general 'he' here because there are a few menfolk who need to be happy again. I won't name them, but really - sometimes there is no substitution for someone to nurse your thoughts with, to heal your wounds.
I don't know why I'm getting all sentimental right now, but probably because it's late and I'm talking to Kita about the world and the recent plot of my life has been so driven towards gratification in some way. I need to stop thinking of it that way, but it will take all of my willpower to do so. I'm going to start on my health plans and I'm going to learn to cook and I'm going to fall in love and I'm going to read. I'm going to learn and breathe and take steps forward - baby steps, but steps nonetheless.
I am going to give up my happiness.
I have been so content lately, it just seems that I should be doing something with it. I know that right now is exam month and everything is supposed to be selfishly focused, but I feel maybe I should at least write in a selfless way to buoy up those thoughts. To hold on to something I really believe in amidst all the complaining and problems of these petty little pieces of paper called 'tests.'
She deserves him. And he deserves her. They deserve happiness. And I wish there was some way to give it.