Posts From Memory Lane: Fear, Sorrow, Anger, Hate - Unpeeling the Layers

These posts were written during the summer while I was in Bangladesh, in preparation for the upcoming academic year. Long story short: when I looked back at the archive, I didn't have the desire or the time to put them up. But now, since I'm coming back to the blog, I decided that some of them aren't half bad. Read on!

One of the most important lessons that I took away from yoga class was the idea of layers. At that time in my life, I was angry a lot - misguided anger, unlike the kind I prize today that can generate change. I asked my yoga instructor about ways to deal with that anger, and she gave me a parable, as well as a lesson on where anger comes from.

Speaking with Myself

In the last week or so, I have decided.
Yes, decisions were made. Big and small, long-term and short-term... but all in the name of rejuvenating my motivation. And, thankfully, it seems to be coming back (yippee!). So let's see what some of them are...

1. Junk food detox - currently, I am on day 3 of this; no junk food for a week in order to reset my eating habits. Willpower! Must... be strong...
2. Journaling - I realized, recently, that I don't need to pour out all my problems onto other people when I can have a relatively simple fix by writing it down. So, I have begun daily autopsies of my current state. Not for this blog, but my private journal (something I haven't done since 7th or 8th grade - imagine that!)
3. Note-taking & writing - writing has been sooo far away from me lately. Like, lightyears. After going to Write-o-Rama this weekend and re-awakening my love of writing down crazy random things and making zines (which are just perfect for miniature thoughts, haha), I realized I cannot just put down writing until I go to college. It's something to be done in the here and now! And, it is something to post up on this blog.
4. Bursting of stage fright - I took the opportunity to do some performance work at Write-o-Rama; needless to say, I'm out of practice. But, I believe that, after bursting my stage fright bubble with my grad speech, I have to memorize, internalize, and personalize it before I can find it acceptable. The nervousness is because I haven't worked with it yet. I haven't molded it into what I want it to be. So, that's my next step.
5. Stuff to do! - I made another, much longer, list of things to do. And it includes biking with my dad, cooking something daily, and a lot of other projects that will occupy me with the act of doing something. My biggest realization? Start now. I have been putting off many of these items because of petty reasons ("It's not summer..." "There are other things to do right now...") but what does it matter if I finish this book next Wednesday or in August? There are always new things to start later.
6. Explore Washington - belatedly, I want to explore my home state. With my boyfriend, with my friends, we will pass through the memories and create new ones before I go. (Come to think of it, it sounds fairly dreary when I say it that way...)
7. Returning to old passions - perhaps the most important on this list, I have decided to return to moments that I love but have chosen not to do. Writing is one, yoga is a big second. Then there are just other things that I haven't even thought about doing but know I want to - like knitting a project other than the squares, photography, making a collage, and re-learning how to Photoshop. All very important things that I seem to have let quaver along the way.

Time and time again, I have these realizations. Most of this list is hopeful in nature; I haven't yet done everything but definitely will work on it. I want to re-establish who I am and do stuff for me. School has taken that away from me, but it's not the only culprit. I have definitely let my steadfastness slide with the final weeks of school trickling down...

Countdown: 8 days left.
See you at the finish line!

I am grateful for...
This sentence: "I have sent you nothing but angels," said by God in the story The Little Soul and the Sun, which my yoga teacher suggested when I asked her about how to control anger. You should read it; it can be found here: The Little Soul and the Sun

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Spirit Week '09

Taking a break from the Photographic Dictionary [considering that I was rushing around all day at a mile a minute], I present you with... THE BLACK CAT, a fictional superhero that I created from cat-pertaining items that I found in my closet. Today was Superhero Day for Spirit Week, so I decided that I wasn't Catwoman-y enough to be her and went with a cuter version. Hope it's enjoyable.
Other than that, tennis killed my legs, but I am happy to say that it makes me feel great. I know that I wasn't ready conditioning-wise, but working out just makes me happy. As much as I hated it in the moment, I loved it when I was out. Then I went to yoga and Aurora was back and she presented us with another one of her great insights about how we accept an imbalanced world because everyone has some sort of imbalance - there are a lot of ways that I would change that I hope to embark on (maybe now, maybe in college) and she just seemed to encourage that sort of work.
Anyway, those were the positives and major highlights of my day [the negatives are pertaining to my quick temper, Speak vs. administration, and the fact that I worry a crazy amount when any deadline begins to approach - eek!] I will probably bring back my dictionary tomorrow, but for now, enjoy my whiskered face!

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

School. That's It.

I wasn't expecting to go to school this morning. I didn't set an alarm, didn't think about my game plan, and didn't fall asleep at 10pm. There was 2 inches of snow on the ground and a gust of it blowing in by the time I fell asleep. But, alas, the morning came and the rain washed the snow into slush. It was time.
The return to school today wasn't altogether bad - I got to get my scholarship stuff done in a timely fashion and I learned a bit of what I should have already known... it was just that my eyes barely stayed open and I was having distinct cravings for unhealthy food. You ever realized that work/stress, when immediate, makes you feel like you're more hungry and tired than you actually are? Trust me, it's no joke.
During yoga today [yay, I finally went back!] I learned that a lot of stress just comes from thought-energy that is being overworked and chewed to death. I don't know if it's possible right now, but I hope that I can turn around my thought process in some way so that I don't worry so much about everything (I am a notorious over-thinker who frets about both past and future *sigh*)
The picture above is somewhat of the visual representation of my frantic nature today - which was only resolved later after realizing that Heathy knows me frighteningly well. [She bought me a large yellow bag filled with random yarn! I must be a little kid who plays with the box more than the items, because I love that big hobo bag. (yes, it's literally called the Slouchy Hobo)]
This means war. A war of present-giving. *epic music*

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Amazed, Crazed, and Overly Tired

It's December 1st and I am sitting here quite amazed at the NaNo novel I just punched out of myself. 50,252 words according to the NaNo counter, 50,039 according to mine [I prefer the former]. It's the end of our 4 day break and it feels like nothing - but it was fun nothing, so I can't really complain. I am waiting on new tech, nervous about college, happy to be playing Hermia, and returning to yoga. I am feeling very good, but also ready to break out.
[Just to prepare, there will be only a few sentences that don't begin with 'I' in this post - as I am so tired of writing interesting sentences that I am going to write in simple "subject-verb-complement" form]
I realize that I complain a lot. Though I pride myself on not complaining about work, I complain about people - and even now I am trying to make excuses that I 'don't do it as much as others' or I 'am usually joking around' or I 'tell it to certain people' but I think it's a larger thing than that. I'm not sure I can get rid of it, but perhaps I am able to think about what I'm saying/repeating more?
Yoga, o' delicious yoga, brought me back to earth a little bit today. I haven't gone for a while, and so I haven't been able to soak up all the juicy wisdom that transpires in that hour and a half. {sidenote: isn't it funny that when you are busy, you cut out probably the most vital things as 'extra'?} But today, I just got to focus on me - happy me, delicious me, that me where I can love without consequence. I think that's what I lack a lot of the time. Maybe it's just in the words we use or the critical way we are assessed, but I find that I've been lacking self-love for a while. It's very important to actually be proud of yourself, and I tell other people that all the time but... sometimes the teacher doesn't take the lesson, you know?
Finally, I have decided to seek my fortune in some other gainful employment than chasing after false dreams [cryptic, right? well, at least I get it]. I am going to let drama class solve it, and I am going to let my personality decide whether it is right. That's the way to go.
Yip, yip, yoray!

Read more posts about my multiple National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) attempts and successes.

Rant About Emotions #1

I learned something today in yoga (as I often do) and it really turned the corner on my ideas [and also made me a little more worried about myself]. So, I am taking this time to process said emotions. Take 1.
I learned that fear is the core of all negative emotions.
It goes... Hate : Anger : Sorrow : Fear... according to my yoga teacher. In order to find the next meaning, you must peel away one. I feel that I have only barely peeled away the idea of hate from my mind. I am much more in love with the world than I was a long while ago. I am still deep in the process of taking away my anger - and that's what is really getting to me.
Today I had an outburst unlike [or maybe too like] the normal days. Often enough I get really near tears and stuff with these crazy problems etc. (yeah, I'm not manly) and I work it out some other way. But today was like a tirade against my dad when working on math homework [like the old days] It was really upsetting to me because I thought that I had at least calmed down from yoga class... but maybe it just brought these feelings up.
My yoga teacher says that we live so comfortably with fear that it immediately translates into something else and we don't even process it as fear anymore. I just... I can't believe that I did that. I feel disgusting. I should probably apologize, but I don't know how much that would absolve me. I just thought... I don't know. I feel like I just set myself back many steps - but maybe it just takes a long time for this process to go.
I've decided that I will learn to be closer to my own spirit over the summer. Probably by exploring emotions and religion fundamentally [the gritty stuff will probably be to move it, not apologize]
I will live. I just got really shocked today. That's all.

If you enjoyed this lesson from yoga, read about another one I took away much later: living in the moment.

Nothing...

That's right. I am listening to nothing. Perhaps that is the reason why I've chosen to blog - because I can actually hear my thoughts more clearly now. (I tried to write out my hot-to-cold perspective all weekend, but opened the window only to realize that I sound really insane...).
Ah, but this weekend was an interesting one. Full of discovery and merriment. I would give a synopsis, but the main highlights were that I got to see Chels and her friend Megan at the movies [in Issaquah: The Other Boleyn Girl], then I hung out with a bunch of Asians [in Bellevue: particuarly Jasmine, Erica, Jacki, Kita and some other guys... we saw Vantage Point and went go-carting (instead of shooting, which was a disappointment...)] and then I tried to spend some time with Kita and Ka-chan [in Bellevue: in the rain: with our crazy parents] Finally, Monday (though it is not the weekend) I learned another valuable lesson from yoga. In order to cut down on plot summary, I will now explain the merit in learning stuff about yourself.
Strangely enough, I realize that I can easily surround myself with people who care about me and who I have fun with. It's not a matter of choosing these people; they just appear and you have to take the initiative to do something. For some reason, I never realized that until just recently... o_o [yay for 'Big Lesson of the Weekend' moment]
Similarly, at yoga today (I almost said yesterday... am I so detached from the present?), my instructor told us two valuable things. First, that television is evil [she mentioned this in much kinder terms, explaining that the images people see on television are filled with violence which make them needlessly afraid...] and second, that you should take happiness right now.
I am notorious for not taking this advice. It is the medicine that I think will COMPLETELY change my life, and yet I don't ever wise up and understand it. Always, always, always I am planning for the future or some eventuality or saying 'I will make time for myself next year...' or something off-balance like that. But, I am slowly realizing, that there is no point. Why not feel happiness in life today? Just because I'm lacking some things, just because I feel lonely at times, all of these things... they don't matter. It is the love for yourself and for people that just makes everything alright.
But I have given my strange 10:30pm rantings too long of a word count. I must continue to plug my brain into some small homework things and then retire. Au revoir.
[P.S. Random Randerson sighting at Crossroads on Saturday! That's amazing...]