Rant About Emotions #1

Monday, June 2, 2008

I learned something today in yoga (as I often do) and it really turned the corner on my ideas [and also made me a little more worried about myself]. So, I am taking this time to process said emotions. Take 1.
I learned that fear is the core of all negative emotions.
It goes... Hate : Anger : Sorrow : Fear... according to my yoga teacher. In order to find the next meaning, you must peel away one. I feel that I have only barely peeled away the idea of hate from my mind. I am much more in love with the world than I was a long while ago. I am still deep in the process of taking away my anger - and that's what is really getting to me.
Today I had an outburst unlike [or maybe too like] the normal days. Often enough I get really near tears and stuff with these crazy problems etc. (yeah, I'm not manly) and I work it out some other way. But today was like a tirade against my dad when working on math homework [like the old days] It was really upsetting to me because I thought that I had at least calmed down from yoga class... but maybe it just brought these feelings up.
My yoga teacher says that we live so comfortably with fear that it immediately translates into something else and we don't even process it as fear anymore. I just... I can't believe that I did that. I feel disgusting. I should probably apologize, but I don't know how much that would absolve me. I just thought... I don't know. I feel like I just set myself back many steps - but maybe it just takes a long time for this process to go.
I've decided that I will learn to be closer to my own spirit over the summer. Probably by exploring emotions and religion fundamentally [the gritty stuff will probably be to move it, not apologize]
I will live. I just got really shocked today. That's all.

If you enjoyed this lesson from yoga, read about another one I took away much later: living in the moment.