Project x Project: Headwrap Complete

Victory in the face of finals!
I have completed the knit headband (one of my two secret projects, in case you were keeping score), and it's glory is featured above!
Having other projects like that one really keeps me sane in the face of other more overwhelming tasks, like art projects and essays. I am occasionally asked why I like to be crafty and make things with my hands, and I think that this is the true reason. It is something that I can do with my body rather than my mind, and it helps me de-stress in a lot of ways. Although sometimes it can be a little stressful - as when I am folding 20 zines in the computer lab and checking how much time I have left until class - at least it is something that I enjoy doing and something that rewards me at its completion.
Have a happy Tuesday, everyone!

Check out some other creative projects and knitting that I've pursued.

The Relaxation Manifesto

Something that I have to remind myself of every day I take off: the meaning of relaxation is to not to think about its end.

This vacation has been about that principle in a lot of ways - staying in the present and enjoying the minutes, forgetting (or at least being ok with the idea that) you are skipping work in favor of having fun, mind melding with the random people you meet and not questioning it.
I must admit, this vacation has been a ride of emotions for me. I have felt at times thankful, lonely, annoyed, ludicrously happy, tired, regretful about work, reflective and truly sad. If this weekend was a microcosm for my life, then it did a pretty good job in representation.
As I sit down trying to finish NaNo and thinking about my priorities for tomorrow's work catch-up day, I wonder about why I am so focused on the past and the future. The feeling that I last posted about in The Real Thanksgiving is something that I wish I could commit to, but it has been the hardest struggle just to achieve it for a couple of hours. I am always thinking about the moment that it will pass or change.

Anyway, perhaps the solution is not to dwell on those subjects for the time being. Switching mindsets, here is a list of some of the truly amazing things I did in this short weekend:

1. Finished my alien color scarf (pictured above)
2. Met up with friends from Seattle who go to East Coast schools (and made a new friend out of one of their roommates!)
3. Explored Manhattan at night and walked for hours and hours on end
4. Followed the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade from 66th to 34th street on foot
5. Bought fancy fancy yarn for two upcoming projects (not telling what they are till they're finished!)
6. Ate Thanksgiving dinner twice: once alone at a great restaurant and the second time with fabulous friends from pre-college!
7. Made goat cheese mashed potatoes and pumpkin cream pie (so bomb!)
8. Walked the Brooklyn Bridge from end to end in the nighttime (by the way, whose idea was it to have see-through wooden slats on the Brooklyn Bridge walking path?)
9. Talked philosophy and other hardcore subjects late into the night with AU friend affectionately known as Catskill
10. Spent time eating excellent Bengali food with my friend in Queens

Thank you everyone who made this weekend special and great.

Want to see what else I've been knitting?

Oops, Your Islamophobia is Showing

(Muslim and proud.)

I have not written about a contentious argument this month, but there are some things that just push my buttons. I am a routine reader of Salon.com's Broadsheet, and recently they posted up an article about Elizabeth Smart's kidnapping and how her captor used a veil to keep her secreted away. But my quarrel is not with the article itself, which generally presented the issue in a fair and balanced light. My issue is with the commenters.
Why is it that whenever Islam is presented, in any light, people find it their mission to bring up their own prejudices and ignorance? Commenters, in responding to the idea that Smart did not take her veil off in the presence of a male police officer who was on the case, make statements like "Any religion that requires its ordinary practitioners to wear a uniform is inherently fascistic and undeserving of respect or tolerance" (Nebris)? Can we please call out McDonalds and Wendy's for their uniform-mandating fascistic tendencies then?
And let me unpack that statement a little further, not because this commenter needs to be singled out, but because their reaction was reiterated multiple times and I have seen it in too many places - especially when discussing veiling.
This comment shows an inherent ignorance about Islam in that 1. it makes the case that all Muslim women are required to wear the same garb, 2. it puts the commenter on a higher plane of authority than 1.6 billion people, and 3. compares Islam to a political concept of fascism that has inherent social implications in that it spurs memories of WWII oppression.
Clearly, this comment is not meant to add any ideas to the conversation, and for so many people to be making the same insensitive remarks, it makes me both angry and makes me worry about my safety. I do not want to meet someone who has these views out on the street.

I'd much rather we take on our discomfort with certain practices by gathering information about them before blasting off ideas that make the internet (and our world) feel more unsafe and more hateful than it really should be. On Salon, I thank VanessaG (another commenter) for setting some of the misconceptions straight. She tells us: 1. the image Salon used is of a niqab, not a burqa, 2. the rules of modesty only apply around men not related to the woman and offers that a female officer could have been brought in to investigate, 3. police officers should have training to understand what to do in this situation, and 4. a blond, blue-eyed girl can be just as Muslim as a black-haired, brown-eyed girl. Remember that 1.6 billion? We come in just as many variations as Christians or anyone else.

Check out Muslims Wearing Things if you want to see some beautiful examples of "Muslims dressed in their garb" (a.k.a. business suits, t-shirts, salwaar kameez, and anything else they want to)

You may also enjoy reading my opinion piece Discrimination and Mixed Metaphors.

Outfits Photoshoot

So, after a period of intense quiet around the blog, I have decided to resurface in pictures. In the next three days, I am going to overhaul my life once again and move back to NYC for the school year. Over the summer, I have completed many an interesting project, but I have realized that I much rather having a schedule to my days. So, in preparation both for the new school year and for my return to necessitated organization, my friend and I undertook a speedy outfits photoshoot!

I got the idea from the blog Already Pretty where some users were discussing how to utilize their "closet orphans" and feel inspired by your clothes even when you're on a lean budget. This vastly appeals to me as a broke college student. So, when my style-conscious (and photographically inclined) friend visited me this past week, I decided that we had to do this. I tore up my closet just two days ago and, with all the fury of a passing hurricane, my bedroom became a whirlwind of forgotten jackets, worn-out skirts, and ignored jewelry items. As I sat amidst the tossed open drawers and empty hangers, I was forced then to think where to begin.

The final verdict was to go in series; working with one category (dresses, skirts, jackets...) and one piece of clothing, I would combine it with shirts, accessories, and shoes. I started out thinking I would put together two outfits for each item of clothing but, as I realized what a large undertaking my closet was, it became more and more simplified. In the finished product, there are photographs of one-item outfits with no accessories just waiting to be put together alongside multi-layered masterpieces. But the most interesting - and rewarding - part of this project was the ability to visualize what was in my closet. After going through the photographs (we got a little camera-happy and ended up with about 400+ pictures to sort through) and making an Excel inventory (which appealed to my slight OCD nature), I finally was aware of the volume of things I have. It scared me! After reading about people limiting their items to a small bundle, I saw both my own consumerism and selfishness. I felt really fortunate and humbled by the idea that I had this much of a stash, albeit collected over the years. I hope that this understanding will teach me not to get frustrated when I feel I "don't have anything to wear." Just seeing those options on a page is daunting!

This photoshoot was also therapeutic besides that initial shock. It was like making a Polyvore of my personal closet, rather than focusing on wishing. And it made my creative side come out because, when I have this amount of time to look over the outfits, it becomes easier to pair them up and make interesting choices (especially those pictured above!) And, the most important result of this mixing and matching, this inventory taking, was to make me feel really beautiful. Weaving through my closet, I got to know how my body looks in the clothes I put on it - it showed how versatile my form could be! I think that when I just threw on clothes to get through the day, I ignored the fact that they were there also to make me feel good. On occasion I would look fantastic, but many days it was just an average standard. Sometimes even boring. So this project let me explore my body through the wardrobe (and have a record for when I get stuck on outfit ideas!)

I suggest that, if you have a weekend of free time or just want to play with some little-used pieces in your closet, that you take some time to do your own outfits photoshoot. I used my friend and a tripod, but if you have a point-and-click camera and a secure place to seat it, you can do this project. It is a true creative experience!

Check out some more posts featuring my photography and guest photography.

Photographic Adventures: Interlake Graduation '09

All photographs courtesy of Heather H. Thanks!

Just me, looking like a weirdo and scaring people around me again...

Check out some more posts featuring my photography and guest photographs.

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty...

Today (and yesterday), I have embarked on the Make J Pretty scheme. It's not just for prom, though that seems like the most obvious reason. No, in truth, I have just found the urge to make myself pretty for myself and my new boyfriend [Joshka, if you were wondering - see Facebook or this picture, haha]. And so, I have set off into a bevy of woman-ish things that are not so reviling as I thought. Shock and awe, shock and awe.
I got my eyebrows and upper lip done by threading today... it was crazy because the woman just used a piece of thread to rake across the skin and take up the hairs (ouch! I definitely teared up, but it was surprisingly less painful than plucking and took less time). The results were fabulous!
I also have started using the curly girl hair method, which has kept my hair from frizzing up and going out like a wild horn beast. Yay!
Tomorrow, I am going soap shopping. For good stuff this time. Yesterday, I downsized my nail polish, hair accessories, and products (to the overture of Eminem, Pitbull, Carrie Underwood, and a bunch of other singers whose names I have no use in remembering), so now it's time to look for quality over quantity. It's a mission that has sorely bested me since the time of yore. On a related note, tomorrow I have to bite the bullet and buy some makeup so that Abby can help me do it for prom. Heathy has suggested that I should go to a makeup counter if I want to learn how to do the stuff myself (which I do now... since I feel kind of rude for asking someone to help me apply makeup, I would like to learn at least the basics) and I think I will do that sometime this week or next. Ah, womanhood...
My hair will be trimmed and done by Raymond, as usual, on Saturday, but before then it is a race to shave all the other annoying hairs (legs and armpits, for those who assumed the worst).
I spoke to Kita about his opinions on whether a girl should wear makeup and smell good and all of those traditional things, and I think his answer was quite promising. You don't need (and, actually, don't want) to be too made up or anything. For me, this is a good sign. It means, first, that all men have their preferences, but that I generally don't have to spend forever trying to be anything but hygienic [showers with good soaps, regularly getting haircuts and eyebrows done, basic makeup on good occassions...] And, of course, the most important thing is to keep in shape and not look like a slob. Gym time!
I believe that it took me just a little longer to understand the girl things than other people... perhaps I was resisting out of gender-biased fear. But now, rather than being one of the guys, I kind of feel like it's cool to be the girl with the guys. Makes sense, I hope.

Anyway, the picture that I took today was of Gerald [the socktopus that I tried to make a long time ago out of scrap yarn and dreams...]. It wasn't a particularly good picture, so I used my Photoshop skill to make it slightly more acceptable. Hoorah!

I am grateful for...
The ability to communicate my feelings. Even when that's not always a positive thing, just being able to tell someone else that I am feeling this way or that really benefits me and allows compassion in.

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Roadblock, Slump or Senioritis?

I'll take my pick. As foretold by the ancient seniors of old, I believe that my desire to do anything has just gone down tenfold. Scratch that. My desire to do things remains the same, but my motivation surrounding said things is waning. Following the days of my intense productivity, my "normal" mode has been to just laze around and watch online videos all day, surf internet links, and maybe read. But otherwise, there seems to be little preoccupying my life. And that gets on the nerves of my boyfriend.
So, what's a girl to do to regain motivation in an ever-increasing downward slide? I don't have a direct answer to this yet, but my listing has been helping me along. Coming back to the blog now, fortunately, makes me want to pursue the photography and writing portions of my life again (also, I got Photoshop CS3, so now I can be a computer nerd again, whee!) The other major goal that should happen before summer ends is the documenting of senior year and, on a larger scale, the time I've lived in this house. Memory projects have always been something of a preference of mine, and now that I'm leaving the house in a big way, I might as well put things onto paper and downsize the stuff in my room (goodbye desktop computer and TV; I knew thee well...)
And then there are the other tinier measures that I want to put into effect. I discovered (for probably the second or third time by now...) that I really am a girl [spiritual and trying to be healthy to boot] and I want to start dressing well, changing my health habits, and just learning about all the interesting cultural and genderal intricacies that surround being a Bengali woman.
I was talking to Charlotte yesterday (and she is probably on a plane to Israel or maybe even there by now) and we agreed that college is really the place where you find yourself more than anything. After receiving my suggested course catalog and filling out a bunch of new housing and medical forms, I realized that everything I do now is personalized. I will choose my classes, where I live (hopefully the Wellness Floor!), what clubs I'm in, and what I do with my time. Though we have that freedom now, there is still 'The Arbitors: Parental Units 1 & 2' and 'Homebase' which basically restrict where I'm sleeping over and whose company I keep. Soon, that will all change...
Anyway, I really want to stop annoying both myself and my sweetheart with all my talk of boredom. I think that my lack of motivation plus the fact that everyone else has something to do has pushed me into the annoying self-conscious corner. Must... fight... darkness! So, after finishing this post, I will sally forth through the jungles of boredom with a pen and a sword and perhaps we will find the Temple of Intrigue in the wilds of my mind. Enjoy the journey, enjoy the journey.

Oh! Also, in a completely unrelated, but pretty awesome, story: I found a way to wash/style my curly hair! It's actually staying fairly manageable and in attractive little ringlets. Thank you, curly girl how-to guide to non-frizzy hair!

I am grateful for...
Odd combinations. Such as the pho and cupcake that I ate for lunch today! Yum.


Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

I'm Back...

That was so cliche that I just might kick myself. Seriously.
But, other than my lack of creative entrances, I have realized that the pent-up feeling that I have been noticing recently? Yeah, it's a result of not writing/blogging for a while. And hence, I have (unceremoniously and completely crazily) returned.
As much as all that introspection has done me good, I think that I just need a place to relegate it that's not my own head. When I can come out and say all those ideas that I want, it's just a big sigh of relief. But, before I get into the new mind-storm, here are two articles that I think are fundamentally awesome and I totally want to reference all the time now:

A Guide to Happiness via Self Forgiveness
I'm Sorry, I Don't Know, I Can't...

They are both from the wellness site Think Simple Now, and that place has just a grand wealth of great articles. Anyway, after a particularly emotionally-wracking day, I think it was perfect just to recuperate by realizing that there are some simple things that can make you feel better instead of wallowing around in it. At the end of my post, I'm going to take one of the suggestions from the first article and post one item that I am grateful for.
You know what, I don't think I'm going to recap the past whiles. I just don't want to focus on the past and I want to breathe in some of those things that I've just not been doing (under the pretext of being sick, tired, bored, and/or lonely). So, I will just enjoy my slow return. Here it goes!

I am grateful for...
The ability to walk outside into a hailstorm... in spring.


Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Believe

This is such the more epic tennis shot than the one they gave me for sports photos! (Curse those fools! They cut out my multi-colored socks!)
Anyway, I have been reading a lot of blogs, articles, and things-that-generally-aren't-books in the past few days and realizing: they're just as valuable. I have not had the urge to pick up a novel recently; blogs, poems, Adbusters, National Geographic, and psychology texts like Brain Rules have been filling my radar. Enriching in a completely different way.
...
I think that I'm talking about all this stuff because I haven't been doing anything out of the ordinary. Other than the wayward dilettante affair with art-planning or lazing about the house, I have really just been playing tennis, going to school, and being the average kid that I am. It's nice, in some ways, but it also makes me think that what I'm doing in class is meaningless push-around before the exam. Nevertheless, we trudge onward.
Maybe I should just make my all-famous lists.

Things I'm Looking Forward To:
- College
- Graduation (oh! I wrote my speech draft, yay!)
- Getting a Sidekick
- Prom (once all this crazy planning stuff is finalized)
- Intramural all-year-long tennis (I have recently discovered that this sport, which I love, will keep me in shape forever)
- Finishing my college blanket (so huge and warm...)
- Taking apart my room to pack
- All the friends and family coming for graduation
- Growing my fingernails out (which is code for 'stop biting!')
- Sewing and crafting and knitting
- Coming back to the earth and the love of God
- Writing my next poem or short story
- You.

Anyway, after this moment of flappery, I think I'm going to do some light bio reading and nod off - another thing I've done for the past few days (not exciting, but definitely out of the ordinary) was to sleep in extra-much. I went to bed at 8PM last night and woke up at 3AM because of it. Then I fell back asleep and felt completely refreshed at 5AM when I really did get up. Ah... the strange life ness.

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Missions into the Future..

Today has been a strangely slow day - which has made me anxious and reflective for most of it.
The anxiety probably stems mostly from my inability to write this graduation speech (agh!). I have all the material that I want to talk about; I think I just burned out on flow from the mind-numbing repetition of the school day. However, it's only 2:45pm, so I guess I can't really complain about a time deficiency and "other commitments."
The reflection (or perhaps, more accurately, introspection) has brought me a lot of thought on the future. Though it may be only the relatively near future, it's still starting to get in my head. Things like:

- Testing starts in 1 week! --> I have to review! And then I will work on my goal of 1 knit square per day during testing season.
- The end of spring sports season is in 2 weeks! --> I must go back to the gym/keep up my workout regimen.
- Prom is in 3 weeks! --> I have to call in for reservations of things TODAY! And then organize people. And then buy tickets. And then explode.

The last day of real "school" follows that on June 18th and then graduation on June 22nd (speech!). And then it's the summer and people are here and I don't really have to worry all that much for a while... just a lot of hanging out, working on stuff, finishing self-projects, and having fun! I'm still really excited to get my housing stuff - I want it soon! But nothing that I talk about is really in the here and now. Everything is preceding something, and I'm anxious/charged up to get there. I am really terrible at focusing.
Looking up but not in, as it were.

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.
More writing and stories are also available for your reading pleasure.

Read In Bed

I actually found a way that I can read in bed without getting angry at myself - magazine articles!
Usually, when it is night and I'm not tired and all I can think about is reading, I don't do it because I feel like I shouldn't start something at night [it's some weird mentality thing..] But, last night, I had the "crazy" idea to pick up National Geographic and start reading the Hatshepshut article (I have not been caught up on reading lately - that issue was from last month!). It satisfied my reading palate and encourages me to read more at night! Hooray!
Aside from that, I am really debating whether I should go back to work on this weight issue of mine or whether I'm happy enough where I'm at. I am healthy, and I think that the issue now is just that self-confidence, goal-oriented thing that I wanted to avoid but got sucked into anyway. Ugh. I I am fine at 31" waistline and 130-135 pounds, but now I just want to be that "wee bit" smaller. It's saddening.
Actually, I think the more depressing part of it is that I'm just feeling as if I'm eating terribly. And that's something I want to reverse regardless of the weight thing. I don't want to eat chocolate and candies whenever I see them - therefore, I am going to go back on my regimen. Without the constant tracking and etc., but definitely back on the few-bad-foods program. Yay?
Life, love, and the pursuit of your dreams!
Tangentially, I wrote a small piece during some downtime in government relating to the Hatshepshut article. Sort of. I'll post it below.
We could be remembered; we could be forgotten.
Yesterday, as I turned the pages of National Geographic, She-King Hatshepshut rose again from the pages. The smell of glossies and color ink, though unable to give the same olfactory insights as dust and myrrh, still resonated with her story. The words and color photographs raised her from the dead in all but the physical sense - this cross-dressing heroine from the anals of history.
As I turned to the first page of her article, her mummified horror opens the scene. Surprisingly, I am less afraid than in awe. Her face, just recently re-discovered on the floor of a forgotten tomb, holds a wizened beauty that makes me wonder where the social stigma of thin, pale women came from. Hidden in the pages of the article, Egyptologists and authors alike poke fun at the idea that she was described as a beauty to gaze upon when her corpse had the body more of a "wet-nurse" than a queen. I turn the page, scan the photographs of her statues, and espy her well-fed features. She is a beauty in her own right - and her power could match any pharaoh, best any man.
We are always fascinated by ancient exceptions. Reading Hatshepshut back to life brings me to think on my monologue - the colorful language of another historic female, Joan of Arc. These words are transcribed, preserved, re-written time and again. Yet they still have the power to surprise and delight. Why? Because, in that little space of the mind, we hope that we too will live on like these wonders, these relics that withstood death. And time.
But, for now, we are nobodies.

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.
More writing and stories are also available for your reading pleasure.

Reset Button

Happy Earth Day! Sadly, the only things Earth-themed that I did today was look up videos relating to it and printing out a piece of paper with all my group's ideas on it...
Aside from that, I realized in the past few days that I've been missing the journal-esque feeling that blogging gave me. I have been lax with my posting and I've just felt... off. So, as to not disservice myself, I will come back more regularly again! Hooray!
I have really been feeling like I need a "Reset" version of the Staples "Easy" button; recently, I have noticed that every obstacle I face makes me more drained and put out. But (after paper journaling) my new decision has come forth that I will treat these obstacles more as new bends in the road - you know, every end starts a new beginning and every obstacle starts a new process. For example, with testing, even though the leading-up-to-test review period is harsh and soul-sucking, I know that on the other side of the tests is the end of our senior year. It marks an accomplishment that we have been working towards for 2 years already, just as graduation culminates our 4 years of experience. Testing season is just less... formal [sweatpants, yay!] After this revelation, I feel a lot more at ease with myself - less wishing that I was somewhere else, although that still exists, and more devoted to the present moment.
Also, for the past few weeks, I have been intensely happy. Seriously. I may have some little tiffs with friends and some issues at school, but my general contentedness has just skyrocketed! And that's pretty much amazing. For the last few days, I have been blessed to be the most random person in phone conversations with Kita and Heathy (at the same time!) and hanging out with people I really do like. Unfortunately, this intense happiness has somewhat led me astray from my lifestyle changes [ehehe... chocolate... ehehe... homework...] yet it has brought me that feeling of youth that I just can't miss out on - seriously, what are you supposed to do when it's sunny in Washington? Sit at home with a textbook and carrot sticks?
I think that my "Reset" button is only going to come from me. There are some things that I will definitely keep in this respawn [such as the ammunition of intense happiness and elevated skill level of patience] but I want to retrieve my time management badge and return to that judicious health plan that will boost my HP by over 9000... Does anyone know why I'm talking like a gamer?
Let us celebrate the upcoming!
2 weeks until exams!
2 weeks until the end of tennis season!
2 months until the end of senior year, summer, and seeing my family/best friends again!
<5 months until moving into college!
6 months and 2 days until I turn 18!
Infinite time for one to love themselves! Happy Earth Day!

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

I Hate to Say It But...

...I am procrastinating again. Seriously, I have 1 essay left out of 3, and I'm a quarter finished with it, but the motivation just fell out beneath my feet right now. So... blog post!
I am proud to say that the muse has returned to me - I am able now to write spontaneously without the uphill battle of finding something to talk about. I have been writing poetry and memories down in class, trying to reestablish that great old writer personality. I don't know who I envision my writer self as... I prefer to think of her as a figurehead far away that I can see nothing but the outline of in gold against blackness.
Anyway, after the week of liberation, I still feel the social disconnect that comes with going back to school - though I still want to hang out randomly, people actually have work and assignments to complete. I am just a little ball of energy trying to bottle herself up, so, for now, I am making many plans to do stuff for/with myself but completely ignoring the logical limitations of time and my own tasks. Hence the procrastination! Isn't it joyous?
Well... I am starting to feel that the attempt to write more words than my essay itself is pulling at me, so I will leave you with this sad/happiness:
Yesterday, I went on a whim to See's Candies (Warren Buffett owns it!) and bought a 12 piece chocolate box. But then... as I was walking out... I dropped it all over the sidewalk! I was almost crying because I hate to waste money on something that can't be replaced... luckily, my dad wasn't mad and decided that he would eat the chocolates that fell. We went back to get another box, thankfully, but I was just thinking about how easily I am influenced. Period. I was about to cry over chocolates spilling on the ground - seriously? I guess it just goes to show you the emotional sensitivity I carry around with me. Something old and new. It's a strange prospect, but I kind of got the feeling that my dad has been humoring these little eccentricities of mine for a large portion of my life (eating the spilled chocolates, giving me a little bit of extra cash, telling me to stay home when I'm sick...). He's always given me the option of being just a little off, and I thank him.

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Another Self

I felt like I should be hot today, so I wore the shirt featured in the photograph for the spring sports assembly [it's a homecoming t-shirt that I cut up to expose my shoulders - obviously in a more extreme way here]

Aside from that, I think I have decided to do NaPoWriMo, which is a version of NaNo that involves Poetry. From my last post, I have tried to get back into it. But I failed miserably - trying to eke out words was like trampling kittens until they would stay on the page.
Fortunately, that was yesterday and today is today! I picked up Pablo Neruda again and spent an hour sitting outside in my car (a quiet place to enjoy the sun without the freak hailstorms - and if you think I'm kidding you, I'm not). Here is one of my productive poems, in it's rough state:

This is where poetry speaks;
It lives in your breast like
100 bad decisions, and it is the one
Looking for a paycheck.
This is where poetry lives;
The festered lyrical lips
Like two burn victimes
Huddling together
Like the buzz of a motor car when the engine has sputtered out
And the lights won't turn on...
This is where poetry breathes;
It's not glamorous - far from it
Poetry opens its mightly lungs
And warbles out of
Box catacombs and cardboard screens.
Poetry.
It exists in the palm of your hand when you sleep
But when you wake - it's gone.
Poetry...
It twists your sick phrases around and pulls you, partially complete, from your thinking space
Poetry.
It's like a beat
A constant 'ta-ta-ta-ta-tap'
Ringing in the back of your skull (a migraine on steroids)
Poetry-
It paints the memories
In mal-formed lines
And strokes that hidden instrument
Of song.
Poetry
It is where it lives, where it breathes
Where it succumbs
To the endless hysteria
Of unmarked parenthetical citations
Poetry!
Is a laugh and a half and there's no going back when-
You've inhaled it.
Poetry...
The slow-speed stop
A stride in the right
Direction...
Poetry
Brings us...
Home.


Check out some more posts featuring my photography.
More poetry is also available for your perusal.

Poetry Rising

So, I didn't post here for a few days partially out of lack of time and partially out of lack of inspiration. I think I'm going to cool my dogged daily determination for posts and just try to get it all out when I need to. I am going to do probably a mondo-post [or a few mondo-posts] concerning these Memoirian Highlights: Group IV Night, Abby's Birthday, and the Bellevue Tennis Match (definitely not in that order) but tonight I wanted to reattach myself to something that I well and truly love. Poetry.
I have not been able to write poetry for a really long time and, as spring break approaches, I really want to get back to it! I am speaking at graduation and hoping to do Interlake Live with a poem of some sort - to earn me some sweet street cred and all that (haha). But seriously, slams would flow out of me during the summer, and now I just have this regulatory check on my brain at every minute. "That's not good," "You'll never get anywhere with that," "Who the hell wants to read that crap? It's so whiny!"
So I guess I just have to kick myself in the proverbial buttock and just push out a poem for the sake of it coming into being - maybe after that it'll get easier. Here it goes.
***
After much deliberation (though I did write a poem), I will not write it here because of personal attachment to its inception. My inner editor says it's not ready for public eyes...
Vive la poesie! Vive le mois de la poesie, aussi - d'avril!

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Poetry that was actually written is also available for your perusal.

The Trigger

At 3:20pm:
When I want to take a break, I do.
When I want to work, I do that also.
When I wish I was doing something else entirely? I fight and struggle to get things the way that I want.
I think I failed my IB Theater TPPP today - even though I thought it was solid in preparation, I didn't do well. And so, before I jump off the bridge into the freezing water of rejection and failure, I am giving this day up to myself. I want to do what I want. Everything creative and pent up that just wants to burst out of me: now is the opportunity. What kind of list would this make? I'll probably make dozens. But I want to do it all. Right here and now. Let's go.

At 9:55pm:
I spent the entire day doing a one-on-one photography shoot with myself. Why? Because of pure frustration energy. I wanted to celebrate myself, do something creative, accentuate my crazy wardrobe and new figure, avoid homework, and (best of all) create a stockpile of images to blog with [46 whoo!] I think it turned out pretty well - I was tossing around this idea with making a collage. Now that I have spent the entire day focused on that, I now am dog tired and minus one lamp (it fell over during my shoot). I think I will carry out other parts of my list, such as writing a flippin' story and reading.
Yeah, probably reading.

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Memoirian Highlights: Part Two

So, we're back. Perhaps this should be an episodic program, actually - like a television broadcast or the Picture Dictionary. Whenever it fits fancy, the Memoirian Highlights will flock over The Cowation like a plague of long-winded draft reading material. Who knows?
Anyway, back to the action. Samedi, Saturday, le deuxieme jour.

Samedi
So, the night was Tolo night, but the day was spend-time-on-J day. In a much more energy-filled morning wake, I threw on a summery outfit that prayed for warmth but received only cold and traipsed out of the house on a hunt for shoes and a dress. I had a very specific idea in mind: army green dress that goes off the shoulder and has ruffled ruching at the neck and sleeve seams because of the elastic. Obviously, I didn't get that.
What I did get was a running around time to myself, searching from high to low for that one perfect dress and finding a really cute bag and a pair of the best shoes ever (coral pumps - garish and flashy and completely like me) I had left at 9am and went through all the places I knew to look, so by the time it drew near to 12 noon, I was burned out and searching for a sit down place.
Lucky enough for me, when I stopped off at Redmond Town Center, a new tea place had opened up in place of our cookie haven. My heart was torn, but I was excited to see somewhere I could buy loose leaf tea that didn't include hoity-toity employees in downtown Bellevue. I opened the door to the Green Grind and wafted their casual scent.
The store was clean, green, and very earthy. They had their teas up in canisters on the wall, all different colors and loose leaf. I had originally thought it was a coffeehouse but, though they did serve that as well, it became increasingly evident that they were mainly focused around tea. A smooth talking salesman waited on customers with a skilled knowledge of his product; he spoke about yerba mate with a South American man who had entered on his lunch break to marvel at the fact that, yes, you can get that stuff here. And damn good too. I tested the waters with an Indian chai, which cemented my love for the place. A cute college-looking guy served me and seemed to be trying his best to avert his nerdy image as compared to the manager. It didn't work too well, but his bashful charm drew me in and, as I left, I was smiling at how much of an embarassment I had made of myself. I really am very awkward with strangers.
My first response as I stepped out of the place was to call Da and tell him that I had found the loose leaf tea haven (huzzah!) and that we could buy some the next day. It solved the problem of my conversion to a loose leaf tea addict, and I was glad. But, just as I finished the tiny cup of chai, I realized that it was nearing 11:55am and that I needed to head out to Victor's for a meet with the theater girls to "work on theater stuff."
When I arrived there, I was semi-starving (making room for what I knew was going to be a big Applebee's dinner that night) but also had no cash, so I sat and began working on my TPPP. Always fashionably late, Maayan and Sofia showed up at 12:20pm as I was typing furiously to figure out my new project. Once they were there, the laptop closed and we headed outside to the porch to talk about our lives. Maayan paid for a lunch and I got the veggie soup off of it so that I wouldn't die, then we shared cookies and eased ever-so-quickly away from theater. It was a nice time, actually, and instead of going our separate ways, Sofia came along with me to meet up with Bree and go dress shopping.
We left an hour too early and headed over to Factoria, where I explored the dresses at TJ Maxx and Target - finally finding one at the second store. Sofia's approval and a pair of skin tone (for a white person) tights cemented me on the choice, and I bought it straight away. We met Bree and Andi at Nordstrom Rack just a bit later, and they each bought a pair of shoes (albeit from different stores, Nordstrom Rack and DSW). After what I thought was the shortest shopping trip ever, we decided to part and then head over to Bree's aunt's house (I was informed that she was a hairdresser and that she would be cool with doing our hair, which is always a plus). But, as we got to the parking lot, I realized: we had lost the car.
Or rather, we had lost ourselves in the parking lot. Sofia was laughing all out as we finally found it - I felt rather stupid, but got over it quickly. It's always great to be flailing around in the cold, pressing the button on your keys until you realize - oh, that's my car right there.
I took her home and then drove to Bree's (after a confusing traffic stop at Interlake, then Maayan's, then her house because neither of us knew where she lived) and we got our hair put up. Bree's aunt Megan was extremely nice; with a mousy smile, she chatted with us about boys and Vietnam and all that passed as she tied our hair with rubber bands and bobby pins. I was a little embarassed to have to leave early - Quinn was already waiting at my house and I'm glad I called him to make sure he didn't go up to the door when I wasn't there.
I sprang in, grabbed the tickets, and then jumped in his car to drive to Applebees. We chatted amicably on the way down the hill (as I marveled at the fact that Quinn could even drive) and then I realized - I should call Grant to tell him when we're meeting.
With the apologetic kick-down-dog mentality I always purport (and need to get rid of), I told him we were meeting in 20 minutes at the Applebees not in Factoria. Needless to say, he wasn't happy.
But we all were fine in the end because, since there were so many of us, the table took at least 25 minutes to secure. Quinn and I waited. I goggled at the fact that he had never been there before, then frantically texted Da about his name and phone number (the fact that I hadn't told them it was a male friend picking me up probably explains that...) until the waitress and our other party members clustered together to meet at a table in the back.
Grant arrived shortly thereafter, legitimizing the very very large amount of confusion about what "semi-formal" means. The sophomores were in a parade of tennis shoes and jeans mixed with casual dresses (Abby's wouldn't zip up, so I give her credit for wearin the tank underneath) while our men were in a range from boring (Chris's basic button down shirt and jeans) to extremely formal (Grant's black suit and red tie) to just plain awesome (Quinn's kilt and the brown shirt we bought for him). The girls followed in a similar line - mine was probably the least formal while Andi's was the most. Quinn and I both were a little off, so once we had finished our meals, we made a last run back to the houses for boots and deodorant. Thankfully, Da had gone to a movie so he didn't have to come inside.
Then it was off to the dance. It appeared that very few people had shown up. Sophomores and freshmen and the occassional senior, but the dance floor was mostly empty. After a few wayward techno songs, we slow danced once and then took my complicated pick-up-the-girls picture before splitting to Meydenbauer Beach. Our band of cars departed from the Interlake parking lot in a wave of male driving; the night was young.
The air was young and frigid when we pulled to a stop, and I borrowed Quinn's way oversized coat (at least on me) as we tripped over our own feet and galloped like horses down to the water's edge. We scrambled to take off our shoes as we went on the dock, watching strange lights come up and down from the island across the way, telling stories of zombie lust and making plans to hijack a boat. None of these got very far.
When we were pretty much lifeless and freezing, we decided to head back up to the cars and find somewhere else to chill. Andi's house was conveniently open, so we headed over there where her dog tried to go up Quinn's kilt many a time. By then, it was nearing midnight and past, so we were all a little tired and the car rides made me feel boring because of my lack of conversational lethargy. Andi's house was warm and didn't contribute to my staying awake.
Finally, after looking at embarassing pictures of younger people that might have been us, we decided to head to Wendy's in our band of cars and pick up Frosties for the road. Quinn ordered while I didn't, deciding ice cream was not the best choice right before bed. He dropped me off and I felt strange, laughing to myself about thinking that I could drop him off even as he was driving. We were both a bit listless, but I still, quite clumsily, asked him whether he would like to go on a "real date" sometime, and he replied, "sure."

So that was the end of the Spring Fling Tolo night. Randomness, excitement, flair, and the absolute boredom that comes from being a teenager in the suburbs at night. Well, at least it sprouted some interesting conversations!
On a side note, the picture above I found in my camera after perhaps the longest time ever [shows you how much I use my little one...] from Bumbershoot. I can't believe that my nails were that long! Anyway, I just thought it was really cool and, well, reflective so enjoy!

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Speak

The play has officially taken over my life.
Not that I didn't know that was going to happen, but it still comes as an amazing commitment and the excitement and stress go hand in hand. I am pumped to work but have also been shot down this week - regardless, it lends fire to my energy.
On a somewhat strange tangent, I kind of feel like yoga has given me that ability. Defusing the stress and putting it into potential. I need to harness that earlier because, in the moment, I get extremely angry or pent up [and eat emotionally - never put granola bars in front of me!] but then later I make a resolve that will actually lend itself to a betterment. I believe that is the most important part. Anyway...
For the concrete happenings of this week, which seems as if it has been a really long time but has truly been brief, I will give a brief daily overview (brief, haha...)

Monday - First day of tennis: the running made me sore, but it also made me feel really good. I was really exercising - after months and months of low to none. The courts were wet and mucky for some inexplicable reason [Washington... mud... uck.] and so we went inside to do more conditioning (I tripped during grapevines - I guess I am just that coordinated). Overall, however, it was really refreshing to be back on. I love sports, I love exercising, and I have missed it dearly. Sadly, we learned that we have to cut 10-13 girls this year. It makes everyone on JV quake in their boots... I know I'm worried. But it gives me the right to be ruthless during matches! GO J!

Tuesday - Abby and I asked Coach if we could just stay for an hour of tennis on Tuesday because of play practice, but when I had gone that amount of time, I felt that they really needed me there, so I ran up to Perlman and asked him if I could go to that. Thankfully, he was understanding, and I ran back to the theater in a panic. I took over while tech continued to adjust lights and be... techy. We worked through some scenes and then drilled O'Byrne through his 10 Lies [Best. Scene. Ever.]

Wednesday - Every moment of the day and every class, from when I wake up in the morning to when I go to bed at night, I am thinking about Speak. No lie. We were offered to stay in Ms. Bennett's room but were stopped halfway through by the administration and rules. It felt like just one more thing to me and so I got extremely emotional [and unprofessional, eck]. Fortunately, my cast members forgave me for this outburst and Catskill even tried to talk to the office. I believe that the best thing that came out of the entire thing was the fervor it gave people to work collectively and the conviction to work harder and beat out the odds. I knew it galvanized me to work as hard as I can to make this the best production it can be.

Thursday - I know that it sounds horrible, but I prayed for rain. I hoped, prayed, and wished all the night and that morning. And, I believe, my prayers were answered. It started snowing during 3rd period, cementing in stone the fact that the courts would be unuseable that day. The girls tell me that they ran inside for an hour and then were dismissed, so I drew in a deep breath about dodging out to go to practice. We had an all-cast rehearsal from 3-7pm, half in the theater, half in Ms. Pendlebury's room. Melinda (Nicky), unfortunately, had an unexpected sickness and was escorted off campus by the nurse. But we persevered. We went through the entire play [minus the scenes that were unable to be done because of lack of actors] and ate pizza provided by Catskill [thanks!]. I got some great notes down and I believe that we are a little more prepared to get this right. As well, we got parts of our lights done and a Facebook group created to attract viewers. There were some issues with tech, but they were fortunately resolved later in the evening.

Friday - By this point, I have stayed up by an hour extra each night. I was quite tired and not focusing, but I went to tennis and won a match! I was so happy because my greatest frustration on Wednesday practice [where I went after our rehearsal fiasco] was losing on a tie-breaker (6-7, 7-10... gah). I really hope that all the previous people make the team, however, so I felt a twinge of guilt for beating the girl. But, I guess, it's dog eat dog in some ways. I came back to rehearsal and we hotseated Nicole and Ivy. It was intense and absolutely entertaining. I love hotseats, personally.

And that brings us to the now, with exactly one more week to go. We are working tomorrow and Sunday, then drilling it in every day thereafter. I believe in us. We will succeed.
And that is the bottom line.


Want to see the dramatic conclusion? Check out my production of Speak in pictures and its write-up.
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Super Bright Day

This outfit is what I would be wearing if I didn't have a skinned knee/the skirt was locked away in the costume room for the play. I love wearing bright clothing, but since I wore that last week, I am going to wear my electric blue dress and wait on a glow stick.
I didn't think that my panicking and etc. could get worse, but yesterday... it did. Partially my fault, but that will be detailed later. Today we have a stronger cast and a new resolve to work for long hours on the rehearsal. We will not be silenced!

I am suspending the Picture Dictionary until I can get some time to myself - right now, I am feeling just so crappy and out for blood that I think most of the images would be terrifying anyway.

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