Living Lessons of Joblessness

Sometimes, when I'm on the job hunt, I wonder whether this whole joblessness thing is here to teach me something. It helps when I'm headed back on the train in the middle of the night, still wondering how to respond perfectly to that oft-asked party question -- 'so what are you doing now?' 

The lessons I have surmised so far, in no particular order:
1. Rely on other people. Spiritually, emotionally, financially. If they say they want to help, then trust that they do. I cannot put more emphasis on this. The thing that has gotten me through the low moments -- and truly, there have been some low moments -- has always been the brilliant group of friends and family members I have that hold me up in my new full-time gig: finding a job.

2. In the meantime, do only your passion work. I'm guilty of spending hours staring at job listings, writing cover letters, and trying to 'out-achieve' the job market. Even though I know that's not the way things happen. Spend some time focusing on yourself, and on the work you want to be doing (perhaps you, like me, have a National Novel Writing Month word count to get back to...)

3. Your time is only your own and the systems that exist are made to feel like you are wasting it. Your life purpose is not to find a job, so why do we so often feel bad if we don't have one? I'm learning myself how to re-value the work that I do in a bunch of different spaces, whether that's volunteering or working on an online magazine or creating art. If I undervalue all of these things and overvalue the idea of a job, then it makes all of those other things I'm passionate about seem meaningless.

4. Continue having adventures. And hare-brained schemes. As you can see, this holiday season I am selling some knitted and craft items. Not really because I want to make money -- hard enough to do that with a steady job -- but because selling knitted items is a little adventure I want to go on.

I'm not nearly having as rough a go of it as others I know, but I also want to make clear that none of these points make it permissible to chalk it up to my 'Millenial' attitude. Nothing burns my butter more than an article going on about how Millenials are entitled, and thus unhappy or, alternatively, are '#funemployed' and spending their parents' money. That only depicts a very narrow slice of our generation, and casually forgets the state of the current economy. (For a fun -- and full of expletives -- article on the subject, I give you Adam Weinstein).

Best of luck to you all, and holler at me on Twitter if you've got any more lessons or general frustrations from joblessness.

Re-learning Forgiveness

When you're busy, everything feels like a miniature crisis. Didn't turn in an assignment on time? Horror! Didn't send that email to the right person? Madness! Every moment is part of an efficient machine and any small deviation feels disruptive. But you always know that those things are the small ones, the ones that can be fixed. This week, the crises I faced were not those small inner demons of inefficiency or time crunch - they were deeper and more fundamental.

"Emotions don't follow rational logic," my friend told me last week. She was comforting me after the latest email chain came in, when my anger and frustration had come to a head and I needed someone to rage with and not just text. Having lost two people who were close to me in the last year, I felt I was letting them down. I wasn't being strong enough. Another person might not feel so affected by the words of others. I was wasting my tears. But even though I resisted, I knew my friend was right. Emotions don't follow a rational logic. Neither do people in crisis.

I've been trying to be gentle with myself, to forgive my own personal failings or that I can't be all things to all people. But in some ways, that's the easy part - I can feel wronged all I want, but that is only useful for so long. Emotions may not need to follow rational  logic, but actions should. Send that email. Make that meeting. Ignore the tug towards staying bitter that feels satisfying but immature. At the end of the day, the work is the most important part and that's what must be the focus when others have acted poorly to you. I am very good at holding on to negative feelings, but perhaps now is the time to un-learn that instinct.

Denying the Word 'Should'

This week, I entreat you to reject the word 'should.'

I remember in my high school, there was a giant orange poster that had a quote from Yoda on it that read: "There is no try, there is only do or do not." I want to take that message and apply it to 'should,' in any of it's forms.

Taking Stock, Talking Shop (with Myself)

Today is a day of questions. I think that regeneration requires that you ask a bunch of questions - of yourself, of others, of the universe. I've written about the loss of my uncle and my favorite high school teacher in the past month, and it has gotten me to turn inward. First as part of a grieving process, and then as a process of rebirth and regeneration. So, today, I want to share some questions that I've been thinking about and that I think are instructive for everyday life. Importantly, major life events don't necessarily need to prompt reflective thought, so take these down even if all you're doing today is watching daytime television and potentially going to work!

How do I look at the world - as a narrative or a sequence of events?

What inspires me?

What situations make me feel the most secure/happy/solid? What situations feel comfortable, but not necessarily amazing? What situations absolutely suck?

Who or what adds value and meaning to my life? (the secret to this one is to break it down by looking at situations in which you feel the most content/satisfied and working backwards from there)

What do I actively want to pursue? What do I want to let fall away? How do I go about it?

Once you've started ruminating a little bit, check out some lessons on how to get there and make it happen!

Celebrating Life in the Small Moments

From humble beginnings...

In the spirit of ringing in the new year, let's talk about beginnings.

First, a cliche: for every beginning, there is an ending. I have been thinking a lot in the context of endings recently - our school semester ended, then the year, and several more personal events ended their long sagas during the month of December. It's a mixed bag of positive and negative. Sometimes you are dreading the imminent conclusion and sometimes you are looking at the potential opportunities to follow. Beginnings and endings? Inextricably linked.

Life Lessons from a Busy Weekend

My friends have always said that I am busy no matter where I go, and this weekend was no exception. Here's a quick rundown:

THURSDAY: Fashion's Night Out

FRIDAY: The Barnard Career Fair, MP3 Experiment, Columbia club fair, an Afro-Cuban dance class, and a birthday party (that quickly became an impromptu Well Woman meeting)

SATURDAY: Raw Elementz hip hop dance tryouts and roller derby volunteer crew duty for the bout between Brooklyn Bombshells and the Queens of Pain

When it's written down in list format, it looks... well, as intense as it was. My body is now sore from tip to toe. But, since my brain thrives on intensity, I will offer you some practical wisdom that I gleaned from attending each of these amazing events. Ready? Here it goes:

Do Something Beautiful

http://uniknotions.com/fulldebate.php?debatenum=147 [UPDATE: video has been removed]
I don't know why, but after watching this video I am completely inspired. To do some random things and things that are fun - I think people just don't do absurd things here because there isn't a soundtrack playing back to them all the time. Maybe that's the intrigue of it: make your own soundtrack, your own montage to living.
I cannot believe how grateful I am to be alive.
And I know I wanted to put 'sometimes' after that sentence, but really it is all the time. I know there are a lot of things I don't feel good about here, but at least there are many things that I will always, always love.

Remarkable

Yes, we can. And we did.
That is the mantra that is going through my head every moment after the presidential results were announced last night. We fought and won. It's so amazing. I just... I had so much emotion last night at the election party. It was just so great to see that amazing number pop up on the screen and realize that: it's all over. We've won. Victory feels like the greatest circumstance right now, life is just about to jump out of my skin.
I think there are a lot of people feeling the same way; there are also a lot of people who are disappointed. As Barack Obama put it so eloquently in his victory speech last night, there are always going to be more struggles to come. This is only the beginning on a long road. But, we have gotten past the first step.
I think that it opens up my heart not only because I worked with the campaign and not only because I got to watch a man of color become our president, I think that the win for Obama just symbolizes what hope lets us do. The power of hope has propelled us through the slander, the mud and the muck, and there is no greater picture in my mind then that. Idealism is not dead, and dreams are still possible.
I think, far from the political sphere and the hem-hawing of fans and foes, this election really meant a lot because it excited people. It got them off their seats and curious. And, even for pessimists like myself, it allowed us to embrace our livelihood in a new way. I have never been so proud of America as in this moment.
I think it will be amazing to see someone again as president who I can believe in. As a child of the 90s, I have pined for the happiness of the Clinton years [albeit, I didn't appreciate them due to age and point of reference] and finally I can turn on the television and see a face which, to me, represents the greatness of our country.
As we filter back into our daily lives, knowing that the battles are raging on, I believe there is no better time than now to start something. The world has changed - or at least I feel it so. Let this period of hope carry us through the tough times and may God be with us all.

I Love You

Heathy, you probably won't read this [until I tell you to on Facebook], but I love you. You made my day with your post about love and so I wanted to return the favor with a tribute post.
I really want to be a little more free. And that's sort of what I've been doing here - becoming more independent and free. Getting lost in the heat and squalor, the New York sunsets and the Globesonic dance music... Dancing till the break of dawn, laughing loudly and talking about awkward subjects, going to Dark Knight premieres and living with girls who are carefree and beautiful. I'm totally making it sound glorious, but it seems a lot like normalcy now. Like it's part of our lives. And I really don't want to leave.
I love this life. The ability to pick and choose and feel beautiful about myself in some reasonable manners. It tests me to be brave and also interesting. It makes my not-so-colorful life turn into something reasonably awesome.
So, I love you Heathy. I can't wait to see you because then I can share my adventures and love of life with you. I want to get to know myself and get out of senior year.
This is a short post, but at least I now have an inkling of consciousness to improve myself next year. [I sound so... transic. But it's not really that]

Read more posts about my awesome Barnard pre-college experience.
You may also be interested in reading more posts about my life in NYC.

Destination Mentality: The Debunking

"Life is a journey."
This quote was brought up in the youth spirituality conference with the Dalai Lama, and it was one of those quotes that just stuck in my head. Maybe because it's so simple. Maybe because everyone says it. Or maybe because the speaker, right after it said, "if you start to change that destination mentality, then it's a completely different way of living."
Though it may not seem to be the time or the place, and I might not seem to be the age or the 'maturity' level, I believe that we should always improve ourselves in some way. It's a concept that just keeps rattling around in my brain - and desperately calls me for action. I have decided to debunk my destination mentality [as momentous a task as that is] by finding the small steps to work towards it.
I know that puts up a 'goal' system, which seems contradictory to my purpose, but I also know that for this moment I am definitely a destination believer, and I can't just jettison that all at once. Hopefully, by embarking on many small journeys, I will be able to construct something that is relatively called 'change' (or at least passes for change).
One large thing that I am finding: I am afraid.
Sometimes that's a good healthy fear, but a lot of the time they are fears that people have put on me or fears that I have constructed just because of low confidence or social freezing or something momentous like that (and sometimes it's just plain stupid stuff that really bothers me because I know that I can get rid of it!)
I was afraid, for the longest time, that I would not become a true believer in my religion because I thought I would second-guess the stories and truths based on my upbringing.
I am still afraid to play video games because they are associated with 'doing nothing' or 'no relation to a goal' [which is so hypocritical].
I am afraid that people won't need me sometime, and that's why I take on all these extra things; I am afraid that apathy/depression will come back when people don't need me anymore.
I am afraid that none of my knitting items will ever fit right.
I am afraid that my writing will sometime be called a distant memory.
I am afraid that I am somehow unhealthy, be it my weight or my skin or [especially] the status of my vagina.
I am afraid both to admit that I must let some people and situations go, and to know that these things are going to happen in the future.
If life is to be a journey, and we are all on the ebb and flow of the world, I believe that baby steps are the way to go on these ones. These fears? I am proud of myself for at least recognizing them at this point. If I were still in middle school or if I hadn't decided to grow, I may still be stuck in an extroverted place where I wouldn't be able to know anything.
Maybe these are 'heavy subjects' for a teenager but I believe that we all have to cross paths with them sometime.

Read my follow-up to this mindset in my post about living in the moment.