Monday Muse: No Worries

Getting this one in under the radar, it seems, but hopefully it will provide you with some musings tomorrow!
I am now finally getting over my cold and, in the days that preceded the oasis of wellness that I am now experiencing, I had a lot of time to think, sulk, and most of all worry.

Worry is something that infiltrates my life periodically. When deadlines are involved or I have shown up late to something or when I just plumb forgot - those are the moments when I worry. These worries get turned into questions of hindsight: What could I have done to get here faster? Why didn't I look up when the store closed? Why didn't I take better care of myself earlier? And soon that worry balls up together, merging with all the other minor worries that have been in the back of my mind from both the future and the past, and becomes a hysterical upset. The worry itself brings my life to a screeching halt.
Now, it's not to say that we as people shouldn't plan well and take care of ourselves early on and whatnot, but we also need to realize that we are not automatons. We are not going to do the exactly perfect thing at the exact right time for ourselves, then wash and repeat. Instead we are going to make mistakes, eat poorly, and feel embarrassed sometimes. And that's ok.

It really is ok.

So my prompt of the week, both to myself and to everyone out there who is reading, is to spend a week without worry. Think that's a monumental task? Then go a day, or perhaps just a few hours.
Breathe deeply when you're worried, put things in perspective and think about whether this will matter ten years out, laugh at yourself for all the embarrassing times that come up rather than admonishing yourself again and again. And, most importantly, do not let it ball up into a knot of worry so tight that you just can't get out. Good luck.

Read some more posts about lessons I've learned.

Cake-ish

Elissa came over to my house today and we baked a cake for the French party tomorrow (we took pictures before it's eventual demolition - it's supposedly a buche de Noel, mais il n'est pas tout parfait...de rien!)

Apart from that, today was spent mainly working on projects and watching boys yell at a television screen. Oh! And also listening to/watching a DUI Drill done by the Bellevue Fire Department. It was actually quite well orchestrated, with student actors who simulated a car crash and some very impressive speakers - though this was not the intended effect, it really made me want to write.
Personally, for myself, I will never drink, and I will definitely be the 'designated driver' should that be called for. But I definitely encourage these presentations and believe that it's really important to understand the consequences (on a side note, the one thing that got me really agitated was the screaming... for some reason I just can't take that).

In other news... I kind of started getting scared about college last night.
I stayed up for an hour, just sitting in my bed and completely freaking out about the future; I thought about how much I would miss my home and my parents and my boyfriend and... gah! I just forgot all the things that makes college great - like new friends, pre-college kids, the City, and amazing classes/clubs/sports. I was about to call someone and talk to them (in the middle of the night, I know), but then I realized. It's going to happen regardless.
So, I decided, it's useless to worry about the future because we can only affect the here and now. I breathed in all the positives I just listed about college and tried to breathe out all the negativity about change... Just breathing helped me calm down. I thought about how hard the separation will be, but, again, I realized that I can just call (or text or email) and those people will be there - it's been that way since I was little, why would it be any different? Besides, I finally remembered that I will be doing a lot of actual work in college, not just lazing around and missing people (surprise, surprise!).
I don't think this feeling is uncommon - in fact, I think it's way too common, and that's why I was shocked when I felt claustrophobic and scared. I was truly scared. But now, I just have to keep thinking one day at a time; we think too much in the future and do not focus so much on the now. Today is a miracle, tomorrow will be great, and the next day... well, I will make great. That is all I have to say.

I am grateful for...
Small signs of affection. Sometimes a little goes a long way, hehe.

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Destination Mentality: The Debunking

"Life is a journey."
This quote was brought up in the youth spirituality conference with the Dalai Lama, and it was one of those quotes that just stuck in my head. Maybe because it's so simple. Maybe because everyone says it. Or maybe because the speaker, right after it said, "if you start to change that destination mentality, then it's a completely different way of living."
Though it may not seem to be the time or the place, and I might not seem to be the age or the 'maturity' level, I believe that we should always improve ourselves in some way. It's a concept that just keeps rattling around in my brain - and desperately calls me for action. I have decided to debunk my destination mentality [as momentous a task as that is] by finding the small steps to work towards it.
I know that puts up a 'goal' system, which seems contradictory to my purpose, but I also know that for this moment I am definitely a destination believer, and I can't just jettison that all at once. Hopefully, by embarking on many small journeys, I will be able to construct something that is relatively called 'change' (or at least passes for change).
One large thing that I am finding: I am afraid.
Sometimes that's a good healthy fear, but a lot of the time they are fears that people have put on me or fears that I have constructed just because of low confidence or social freezing or something momentous like that (and sometimes it's just plain stupid stuff that really bothers me because I know that I can get rid of it!)
I was afraid, for the longest time, that I would not become a true believer in my religion because I thought I would second-guess the stories and truths based on my upbringing.
I am still afraid to play video games because they are associated with 'doing nothing' or 'no relation to a goal' [which is so hypocritical].
I am afraid that people won't need me sometime, and that's why I take on all these extra things; I am afraid that apathy/depression will come back when people don't need me anymore.
I am afraid that none of my knitting items will ever fit right.
I am afraid that my writing will sometime be called a distant memory.
I am afraid that I am somehow unhealthy, be it my weight or my skin or [especially] the status of my vagina.
I am afraid both to admit that I must let some people and situations go, and to know that these things are going to happen in the future.
If life is to be a journey, and we are all on the ebb and flow of the world, I believe that baby steps are the way to go on these ones. These fears? I am proud of myself for at least recognizing them at this point. If I were still in middle school or if I hadn't decided to grow, I may still be stuck in an extroverted place where I wouldn't be able to know anything.
Maybe these are 'heavy subjects' for a teenager but I believe that we all have to cross paths with them sometime.

Read my follow-up to this mindset in my post about living in the moment.