Sacred Games - Vikram Chandra

Sunday, April 27, 2008

I am promoting a novel I just finished in my title because of it's nearly 950 page girth and total encompassing nature when it comes to describing death. I hold great happiness in that I have finished it, and that it wasn't painful (unlike other 800 page books...).
But that really is just a side note.
What I'm really here for is to open myself up a little bit, loosen up maybe. Wondering enough if there is a way to escape this nervousness and whether it would be a balm to do so. I've already accepted the fact that I will always be stressed, but for some reason I am nervous about my performance and that never makes me feel any nearer to succeeding. I know that sounds like a lot of big words - it is.
Lately, I've been getting these fits of nervousness in me; I prepare tremendously and get very edgy and angry and stay up late and prepare... but then the things that I prepare for aren't as bad or as difficult as I thought. And I wonder, sometimes, whether it has been produced as a greater thing because of my worry and nervousness or whether I was preparing for it just enough. That happens a lot with tests and homework. I constantly think 'oh crap!' I forgot something and stay up till the late hours of the night trying to finish it. But then it's not due or something stupid like that. Right now it's the T.A.T.U presentations and (mildly) the newspaper.
I don't know why I'm nervous, because I think that things will go alright in the end, but I think it's because I realized that I'm preparing somewhat 'last minute.' Even though I know that presentation like the back of my hand now, it still flutters me up to go and present. Newspaper, I worked on it substantially for the first issue, but until I meet with the editors, I really don't know what's going on - and that lack of knowledge scares me.
And that leads me into other worries. Like: Will I do well on my exams? Have I studied enough for SAT IIs? Should I get all my community service forms done up? Is there any more planning I can do for next year's club management? How am I going to set up the clubs that I'm leaving behind? What's going on with Anime Club? Why am I not doing enough for myself? How is Carry 5 going to continue? Is it possible to do more each day? Why are there so few hours? What will happen when tennis ends? Am I going to keep working out? Will I fail in keeping my body up? Will I bring all my grades up by the end of the year?
And these are all just small two month long worries too; they aren't really reaching into the future very far. I could go on and on about those ones, but I've decided not to.
It's the small time worry that is really getting to me these days. These tiny things that just bug me because I can't immediately solve them, either from lack of knowledge or just lack of moment. It's not 'the time' to do some of these things, nor is it 'the place' to figure out what we're doing. Time will come and pass. I just can't seem to accept it sometimes. This anxiety just gets to me, and I think that's why I sometimes need to yell and scream at the stupidest things: because there is really no other release of this pent-up energy.
I slept for 12 hours last night. It was a scary thing.

Touch My Body - Mariah Carey

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

This song is so addictive; I don't know why exactly... [maybe it was the Youtube reference]
Lately... I don't know.
Emotionally, I've been hiccuping along at a steady pace. I get extremely angry sometimes, and for reasons that seem completely stupid (such as physics homework) and yet, overall, I feel quite content in my life. Stressed? Sure. Tired? Definitely. But I have a lot going for me too. I found a way to have mango smoothies year round and discovered the secrets of healthy milkshake/ice cream yogurts. I don't have heavy cramping like last night. I've been feeling good about my clothing all week. And (despite the fact that Milda and I totally trashed our high school experiences) I am realizing that I will leave this place soon enough. There are people here that I like, and people that are leaving who I want to keep in contact with. I will leave; they will leave; we will all leave and meet up in the next interesting place. I will find some more writing in my life.
I think that these tests will get done, the school year will be done, and the next thing I know I'll be in New York.

Destination Mentality: The Debunking

Thursday, April 17, 2008

"Life is a journey."
This quote was brought up in the youth spirituality conference with the Dalai Lama, and it was one of those quotes that just stuck in my head. Maybe because it's so simple. Maybe because everyone says it. Or maybe because the speaker, right after it said, "if you start to change that destination mentality, then it's a completely different way of living."
Though it may not seem to be the time or the place, and I might not seem to be the age or the 'maturity' level, I believe that we should always improve ourselves in some way. It's a concept that just keeps rattling around in my brain - and desperately calls me for action. I have decided to debunk my destination mentality [as momentous a task as that is] by finding the small steps to work towards it.
I know that puts up a 'goal' system, which seems contradictory to my purpose, but I also know that for this moment I am definitely a destination believer, and I can't just jettison that all at once. Hopefully, by embarking on many small journeys, I will be able to construct something that is relatively called 'change' (or at least passes for change).
One large thing that I am finding: I am afraid.
Sometimes that's a good healthy fear, but a lot of the time they are fears that people have put on me or fears that I have constructed just because of low confidence or social freezing or something momentous like that (and sometimes it's just plain stupid stuff that really bothers me because I know that I can get rid of it!)
I was afraid, for the longest time, that I would not become a true believer in my religion because I thought I would second-guess the stories and truths based on my upbringing.
I am still afraid to play video games because they are associated with 'doing nothing' or 'no relation to a goal' [which is so hypocritical].
I am afraid that people won't need me sometime, and that's why I take on all these extra things; I am afraid that apathy/depression will come back when people don't need me anymore.
I am afraid that none of my knitting items will ever fit right.
I am afraid that my writing will sometime be called a distant memory.
I am afraid that I am somehow unhealthy, be it my weight or my skin or [especially] the status of my vagina.
I am afraid both to admit that I must let some people and situations go, and to know that these things are going to happen in the future.
If life is to be a journey, and we are all on the ebb and flow of the world, I believe that baby steps are the way to go on these ones. These fears? I am proud of myself for at least recognizing them at this point. If I were still in middle school or if I hadn't decided to grow, I may still be stuck in an extroverted place where I wouldn't be able to know anything.
Maybe these are 'heavy subjects' for a teenager but I believe that we all have to cross paths with them sometime.

Read my follow-up to this mindset in my post about living in the moment.

Given the Circumstances...

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Do you want me to tell you a story?
Our fate lies future-bound in the unending cosmos that is,
Eternity.
Eternally,
Our bodies,
Like sun-clipped gems, resonate within.
There's no need to act in pre-arranged fashion.
Life's on a permanent standstill for this one moment,
Caught in the tangle with twine and mortar,
Fastened to the surface like wind caught in a jar.
Eternity passes in tandem.
Flows into our bodies and out of our mouths,
We feel the boards creaking, the tides shifting,
We age because we feel like it.
If there's a need for communication, it's here and now,
Right now. Right here.
With the extra heave of the thrusting sun,
And the amber glow in sudden heat.
The cosmos grind to a halt.
Beckon us,
Call to our likewise amber glow,
Our hands tremble in awe.
One single moment...
And we are gone.

Interested in seeing some more creative work? Check out my Creative Every Day roundup.
If you enjoyed this piece, check out my post on living in the moment.

Absent of the Extemporaneous Insights

Friday, April 11, 2008

I've been having knitter's block.
And gamer's block. And student's block. And get-yourself-rested-person's block. But ya know, all of these I could probably live with. The one that's really cramping me down is simply this: I've been having writer's block.
And it's not just a disease that affects my writing of creative pieces, but it's also not allowing me to write any letters, draft any emails or (if I really get down and dirty with it) craft any blogs.
I wish I could be writing poems for National Poetry Month or writing to my Italien penpal about all the stuff that's happened over the last few weeks, but... for some reason the word-hole connected to the inner forespace in my mind has been stopped up and I can't even think straight.
I've been watching Japanese dramas in an attempt to get my sorry life back into shape. I've been picking up my needles and voraciously knitting a few rows and then thinking "I should be working on something else." I've looked longingly at my television screen and thought: if I were playing Luigi's Mansion I would have gotten to the third boss by now.
Sadly enough, the world is tempting me to do things other than sit on my ass and spend money. But I'm just not taking this time well, I don't think. I should be working on something meaningful right? Something interesting... at least to me. Maybe it's drone time 'cause of all the upcoming exams and the fact that we only get a week off. (I've been reading like a madman and hanging out with people - so I guess it's not a complete loss)
I guess I should stop complaining now, right?
Sometime, I'll figure out what's holding me back and then I'll swing it to the bars of these steel cages and scream 'HA! You no longer hold me in!'
Hope that day is soon.

Aerated

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

I plucked a dandelion from the tip of your skin and let it fly,
A whoosh of soft air,
And powder puffs.

That was just a short poem that felt like being written. So I wrote it. So there.
Many important events have passed in these few weeks; I am happy to report that we had a sister fly in for about five days and spread the world with her good and change. (yeah, that sounded religious, but it wasn't!) Heathy came up for SakuraCon and we partied for the last few days. She brought snow. Mounds of it. Spring snow - isn't that curious?
Partying at SakuraCon led me to wearing blue hair to school, hanging out with Kita for more than my recommended daily dosage, staying up late into the night watching Japanese dramas, watching Mudkip transform into a gorgeous babe, and raving through the night on Saturday while snow was falling and crepes were being eaten in the cold. It was a time of quiet and extreme loud.
Sunday of Heathy's visit, we just palled around and bought clothes (which taught me the value of appearance, because I've been feeling fairly down about wearing sweatpants 3 out of 5 days a week) and talked and laughed. It's wonderful to have a sister [only closer. o_o] It's not that we are the same people, it's just that we have such great compatibility that we can exist together without the mondo-psycho-drama that seems to surround average friend folk. We're more alive, I believe.
So you can imagine my grief when she was about to leave right? Nope. Strangely enough, this trip didn't feel awkward at all. There was no interim period where we had to 'reconnect' or anything. It was really nice. When she left, of course, I realized just how long ago it was that we saw each other, but that never got to me throughout her time here. 11 years is a long time.
Ah... but the reflective normalness of this situation is funny to me. Because during that time I think the main reason I felt this way was because I still was able to yell and be competitive and horrible at home when she was here. After partying, I realized that oh! I had homework. And so I pulled one of the few 1am dealios that I've ever done. Gah, but yeah.
School seems so generically evil lately. What with all the stuff they're cramming in before spring break and the nice weather and the fact that everyone just has a tiny hint of a cold... Gargh. I'm just kind of reaching for that time off so I can make myself anew again. Which sounds weird, but I have goals for this time. GOALS, I TELL YOU. Ah, but that will come later.
For now, I must turn down my sheets so that I may slip between them. Bye.