Sacred Games - Vikram Chandra

Saturday, April 26, 2008

I am promoting a novel I just finished in my title because of it's nearly 950 page girth and total encompassing nature when it comes to describing death. I hold great happiness in that I have finished it, and that it wasn't painful (unlike other 800 page books...).
But that really is just a side note.
What I'm really here for is to open myself up a little bit, loosen up maybe. Wondering enough if there is a way to escape this nervousness and whether it would be a balm to do so. I've already accepted the fact that I will always be stressed, but for some reason I am nervous about my performance and that never makes me feel any nearer to succeeding. I know that sounds like a lot of big words - it is.
Lately, I've been getting these fits of nervousness in me; I prepare tremendously and get very edgy and angry and stay up late and prepare... but then the things that I prepare for aren't as bad or as difficult as I thought. And I wonder, sometimes, whether it has been produced as a greater thing because of my worry and nervousness or whether I was preparing for it just enough. That happens a lot with tests and homework. I constantly think 'oh crap!' I forgot something and stay up till the late hours of the night trying to finish it. But then it's not due or something stupid like that. Right now it's the T.A.T.U presentations and (mildly) the newspaper.
I don't know why I'm nervous, because I think that things will go alright in the end, but I think it's because I realized that I'm preparing somewhat 'last minute.' Even though I know that presentation like the back of my hand now, it still flutters me up to go and present. Newspaper, I worked on it substantially for the first issue, but until I meet with the editors, I really don't know what's going on - and that lack of knowledge scares me.
And that leads me into other worries. Like: Will I do well on my exams? Have I studied enough for SAT IIs? Should I get all my community service forms done up? Is there any more planning I can do for next year's club management? How am I going to set up the clubs that I'm leaving behind? What's going on with Anime Club? Why am I not doing enough for myself? How is Carry 5 going to continue? Is it possible to do more each day? Why are there so few hours? What will happen when tennis ends? Am I going to keep working out? Will I fail in keeping my body up? Will I bring all my grades up by the end of the year?
And these are all just small two month long worries too; they aren't really reaching into the future very far. I could go on and on about those ones, but I've decided not to.
It's the small time worry that is really getting to me these days. These tiny things that just bug me because I can't immediately solve them, either from lack of knowledge or just lack of moment. It's not 'the time' to do some of these things, nor is it 'the place' to figure out what we're doing. Time will come and pass. I just can't seem to accept it sometimes. This anxiety just gets to me, and I think that's why I sometimes need to yell and scream at the stupidest things: because there is really no other release of this pent-up energy.
I slept for 12 hours last night. It was a scary thing.