Nothing...

That's right. I am listening to nothing. Perhaps that is the reason why I've chosen to blog - because I can actually hear my thoughts more clearly now. (I tried to write out my hot-to-cold perspective all weekend, but opened the window only to realize that I sound really insane...).
Ah, but this weekend was an interesting one. Full of discovery and merriment. I would give a synopsis, but the main highlights were that I got to see Chels and her friend Megan at the movies [in Issaquah: The Other Boleyn Girl], then I hung out with a bunch of Asians [in Bellevue: particuarly Jasmine, Erica, Jacki, Kita and some other guys... we saw Vantage Point and went go-carting (instead of shooting, which was a disappointment...)] and then I tried to spend some time with Kita and Ka-chan [in Bellevue: in the rain: with our crazy parents] Finally, Monday (though it is not the weekend) I learned another valuable lesson from yoga. In order to cut down on plot summary, I will now explain the merit in learning stuff about yourself.
Strangely enough, I realize that I can easily surround myself with people who care about me and who I have fun with. It's not a matter of choosing these people; they just appear and you have to take the initiative to do something. For some reason, I never realized that until just recently... o_o [yay for 'Big Lesson of the Weekend' moment]
Similarly, at yoga today (I almost said yesterday... am I so detached from the present?), my instructor told us two valuable things. First, that television is evil [she mentioned this in much kinder terms, explaining that the images people see on television are filled with violence which make them needlessly afraid...] and second, that you should take happiness right now.
I am notorious for not taking this advice. It is the medicine that I think will COMPLETELY change my life, and yet I don't ever wise up and understand it. Always, always, always I am planning for the future or some eventuality or saying 'I will make time for myself next year...' or something off-balance like that. But, I am slowly realizing, that there is no point. Why not feel happiness in life today? Just because I'm lacking some things, just because I feel lonely at times, all of these things... they don't matter. It is the love for yourself and for people that just makes everything alright.
But I have given my strange 10:30pm rantings too long of a word count. I must continue to plug my brain into some small homework things and then retire. Au revoir.
[P.S. Random Randerson sighting at Crossroads on Saturday! That's amazing...]

The Future Freaks Me Out...

Ah Motion City Soundtrack... you save me [gratuitous song reference]. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, and other times I feel extremely forgetful. It's not a good combination. I have to make lists constantly to remember things. It's been a somewhat relaxing week, but I feel that will change in a flash of a heartbeat. What I really need to be working on is my theater essay, which is a great looming crazy thing that I don't know how to research (and yet I am passive aggressively avoiding it by blogging instead... hm...)
We've decided to go shooting this weekend. It'll be the first time I've even touched a gun - much less shot any target. I think it will be incredibly awesome, but also somewhat terrifying... A bunch of teenage girls who all want to go shooting guns. Then we'll all follow Jasmine to 'da club' and 'get our freak on' (I believe that if this ACTUALLY happened, the world would explode.)
For now, I am going to write a story and learn about myself. Because isn't that the point of anything creative? I just feel like I've given so much of my time and effort to school that... well, we've all heard the same sad tale of wasted youth and etc. I won't bore you with the details. I'm going to learn to write again, and I'm going to perform next year. I'll get up the courage. And no one will have to be watching.

I Just Want To...

DANCE!
I have these intense cravings every once in a while and, lately, all I want to do is dance! Not just randomly or anything (that would most likely embarrass the masses) but go dancing. I should start going with Jasmine to 'da club' as she puts it [the Korean gangsta girl style]. But, what I'm REALLY looking forward to is going to SakuraCon.
The rave dance during SakuraCon... ah! It is the most freeing portion of the entire thing! Besides, I get to see Heathy for the first time in a long time and that's a big deal. I really hope that we can get a hotel room, but it's not looking good... At least it is awesome to go and party. Get away from all these regulations and feed my cravings.
Maybe it's just because I'm listening to Ian Van Dahl. [I will now make a point about whichever song I'm listening to at the current moment, just so that later I can feel all self-conscious and learn to get over it]

A Burst of Emphasis

My Vocalize class really went well today. (haha, understatement of the year)
I don't know, maybe I just thought of all the high school stuff that goes on when you're addressing your peers and when there's something, ya know, serious that you're working on and everyone just doesn't seem to get it but... it wasn't there. It was wonderful. The class was such a safe environment for workshopping. I really really felt that when Kate started bringing up some really heavy emotions and cried on stage. That was really amazing. Because it wasn't shocking at all and we were all very helpful with her - not critical or giggly, but just really happy that she could go there and come back. She says she's never cried when she read it off the page, but that once she memorized it... that was just a powerful moment.
My own experience was not as extreme, but when I went up there and worked on two of my favorite poems (which were also, consequently, the hardest ones to work on) I really felt welcome. Maybe I'm a different person in these outside classes versus who I am at school [in fact, I know I am. why do I even have to say 'maybe'?] Not to be repetitive, but it'll be nice to get out of the high school atmosphere so I can be that person I like more often. To the poems, I think I realized that I am not being as crazy as I think I am when I read them to myself. A lot of what I learned was to really trust my instincts - because they're good, they just need practice. The other thing was that I had to face the devil in my pauses. x_x I learned... pauses aren't awkward for the audience! They're just awkward to stand up there and feel the pause. I have to practice that. The main thing is to keep an image of enjoyment in your mind to sustain a calm pause and not a twitchy one. *must work on that*
I think I'm going to go to Cheap Wine & Poetry on Thursday. Maybe I'll do a piece on the open mic. Maybe I'll bring a friend.
That's another thing. I think I've totally gotten over everything (I'm probably lying to myself again, but as of this moment...) In terms of letting everything out and, you know, trying my best not to care anymore. It's a nice release-like feeling. But I've probably screwed up. I'll see how it is next week. I just don't want to be the only one working for a better friendship, so I must see where he's at too.
Last note: I have such a paranoia about my music choices! GAH! I love a lot of pop. I admit it. 90's - mid-2000s, I'm totally there. Motion City Soundtrack, New Radicals, Garbage, I love you!
[mock me if you will, non-conforming conformist rock people!]

o_o

My God...
I just realized. I'm absolutely terrified.
I don't know, maybe I never really had any confidence, but man... I just started feeling it today. Maybe it's nervousness, maybe it's the fact that it's my own material, but really. I am scared. Scared of not knowing what I'm going to do with these poems and trying to work on them and working to be criticized and shot down and told that they're not good enough (or that maybe they are and I'm just fooling myself) Scared that I haven't been able to write well for a while and that I'm getting back into it and I don't know where I'm at. Why can't I be fluid? Loose? Free? Where was I back then when I wrote these beautiful things? Where am I now? That seems so petty to say. Gah. Stupid insecurity.
Maybe it's really the fear that what I want to be isn't what I'm living up to.

Ok... So...

I am notoriously horrible at posting on these things. But, with a gentle prod from one of my friends, I have been steered back to writing on it (if only because I need to take out some ranting emotions)
These last three days I've been extremely sick and sweating my lungs out -_-. There's nothing better than waking up in the morning and realizing 'ah, yes' I have just as much phlegm in my body as a newborn cow. At least today I can read without my eyes going completely fuzzy - I was getting hallucinations trying to read The Great Gatsby for English class yesterday. Anyway.
These days there's some sort of merit in trying to distract myself. I need to get out of the social sector next year; hang out with people who kinda-sorta matter to me instead of parading around with so many clubs and activities at school. I love IHS stuff, and I love being leader, but I'm going to college in a year and 4 months: I need to distance a little bit. Now that the play is done, I've at least been severed a little bit [ridiculous, frustrating, time-consuming fun]. I'm taking a Hugo House class and am chained to tennis (which I love, because it simplifies my life... although I still suck at running) so at least it won't be too harsh a break, but... yeah. I really kind of want to just jettison off by now. Maybe it's a little melodramatic, but I really want to escape. Too much stupid crap and not enough freedom. Not to mention slim pickings when it comes to friends and dates...
Ah, well. In two weeks Heathy is coming, and then I will feel a lot better and more like a tigress instead of a pussy cat. Hopefully I won't be hacking up my own internal organs by then.