The Demon of Perfect

I am sitting under a brown blanket on brown bedsheets in my dorm room, the first time I have seen the place in over a month, and I am sick.

If you take the 'everything happens for a reason' line of thinking, I suppose this could be signaling to me that it was a positive choice not to go to DC for inauguration, or that I am really not ready to complete my last semester at college, or perhaps that I should have heeded the warnings of the librarians last Friday when they said something was 'going around.' But, as I hack and sniff, I wonder if this is really just the latent effect of the work hard/play hard mentality that I took towards winter break. Though nominally a 'rest' period, this time for me was spent meeting up with friends and reading all the books I could and working and seeing all the exhibits/boroughs/TV shows that I don't get a chance to during the school year.

The fun blow-out felt necessary. To balance out the pressures of the previous semester, why not go on a 100% do-what-you-want spree? But somewhere in the second to last week before returning to campus, I started to feel like my energy was waning. An immense guilt settled itself like a bullfrog in the back of my throat: there was only a week left and I hadn't gotten through even half of my 'goals' for the break. I felt guilt over not reading articles, over not writing enough, over not spending more hours at work. The balance I had chosen wasn't giving me any rest - I had been caught by the demon of perfect.

I'm bad at rest, as I've written about previously. But when you're sick, all you can think about is rest. All you can think about is the presence of your body and how off it feels - what you normally 'feel' is an absence of body, something you can ignore until it drips or itches or aches. And sometimes it leads me to believe that sickness serves the purpose of slowing you down by force; it puts me in a reflective mood just by virtue of my lacking energy. And when I look back on the last month, I realize that my lofty goals were planned under the assumption that one does not have to sit still to replenish - that you can balance difficult academic pursuits by entering into difficult artistic pursuits, rather than putting a hold on any pursuits at all. But people don't always give themselves what they need.

I am sick at an inopportune time. A new semester of classes, with all its accompanying responsibilities, dawns tomorrow. I cannot even muster the energy to do the bare minimum things beyond feeding myself and browsing around on the internet. Yet the legitimacy it gives me, to feel tired and to slack, has allowed me to examine the wrong-headed guilt I've been feeling for the past few weeks. For that, I am grateful. As I am confined to my bed, I begin to dream up the connections between balance - this mythical state that we seek when looking for the best methods of productivity - and achieving perfect. Even when we're supposedly resting, it can take us away from what we really need.

P.S.
I've disabled the comments on my blog from here on out, not to discourage conversation (which I hope you will take to my email inbox, Facebook page, or Twitter), but to let this place stand as a great writer-ly experiment without the pressure of garnering pageviews or comments as a proof of some arbitrary notion of 'success.'

Statement: Take Care of Yourself!

 

(via ICanHasCheezburger)

I am really good at not taking breaks.

These past few weeks, I have been going through meteoric stress levels, intense weather changes that prompted severe illness, and general hopelessness towards completing personal goals. I tell myself that I need to take breaks and make it about me for a while, but my priorities have always been so stringent and my mental state so stubborn that I haven't actually done that. So, that has meant a lot of sacrifice.

As you have probably noticed, it has meant moving away from this blog and the novel I've been working on to distill all the precious bits of sleep and energy I have into my day job. It has also meant sniffling through amazing bus journeys into different parts of the state, crying in public, and talking to friend after friend about the tenuous mix of tiredness, annoyance, and genuine sadness I've felt. Physical or mental, the weeks have been taking a toll.

But why do I share this with you, my readers? My blog doesn't usually deal with my personal life (though I suppose it does tangentially through my blatant editorializing of everyday life), but I wanted to share for two reasons:

1. To tell you where I'm at and where I'm going. I really want to get back on track with the blog once I'm feeling better. I will never have all the time in the world to write here, but I will make do with the precious moments I do have. Once they're not being monopolized by sleeping, that is.

2. To ask you to learn from my mistakes. I am notorious at pushing myself too hard and exploding into thousands of pieces upon impact. Don't copy me on that! I think it is partly due to our culture of efficiency and productivity, which asks us to work until we are dog tired otherwise we won't feel "worth it," whatever that means. And I've internalized that by being a go-go-go person for my entire life. But you don't have to follow in my footsteps - you can instead read some of the clear-headed articles I've written about relaxation and living in the moment. And sure enough, sickness is one great way to be reminded to live in the moment. All you can concentrate on is that ache in your side or cough in your chest. Nothing else matters.

Anyway, I will be posting more interesting articles in the weeks to come, but for now I will be taking my own advice and laying low for a bit. You can take a look at my thriving Tumblr page if you want some great media to absorb until my return!

Class Act

I have been fading in and out on this blog recently, but not without regret. In the past month or so, I've been trying to keep up with some strangled emotions - when my boyfriend left for Singapore, when I was hospitalized for respiratory problems, and when I (not two weeks later) had to uproot my life once more and move back to New York City. Needless to say, it's been a crazy time.
But I hope to commit myself more fully to my blog this school year, simply because I will be once again doing interesting things that are not so hard to talk about! Creative writing class and basic drawing alone should account for a lot of my miscellaneous adventures.
So enjoy this recap post and look forward to some more au courant posts in the near future!

Week of August 29th to September 4th:
- Moved back to NYC in 2 days. Much hunger and panic over household items ensued, but I love my apartment and I got to move in early so it wasn't totally insane
- Promptly became a Well Woman* at a week long training full of laughter and death by heat exhaustion at the Student Services Fair
- Survived the two biggest milestones of dorm living: getting locked out and killing a cockroach

- Went on a crazy Chinatown search for pho, found it, came back the next day and got TERRIBLE service (so that place is out)

- Had my roommate Liberty move in (yes, now it's official!)

*Well Woman is Barnard's wellness center; it consists of peer educators (like me!) and infinite resources for stress management, sex, and overall health

Week of September 5th to September 11th:
- Went to the Museum of Sex (quite an interesting experience)
- Found another pho place in Chinatown (much better service!), and hung out with Nina and Bradley
- Went back to class (Black lit, French, Perception [psych with lab], Drawing, and Fiction), went back to work (mail room and zine library), went back to having my head explode with buying groceries and expensive textbooks...

- Made a few excellent meals and then ate cauliflower mashed potatoes for the rest of them...

- Submitted my Extemporaneous Speaking Project zines to the Barnard library - check them out when you get a chance!

- Kept up with a continued version of my Outfits Photoshoot project - I call it: the Daily Outfit project!
- Bought art supplies downtown and had the handles of my portfolio break in the subway

- Wrote a draft of my blog post for Refuse the Silence!**

**I will now be blogging for Refuse the Silence, Awaaz, the Well Woman blog, and the Barnard Zine Library blog, so if you're interested in class/race privilege in liberal arts colleges, South Asian art and new, wellness topics, or zines, look me up!

Tales from the Sick Bed

I just found out today that I have been diagnosed with pneumonia. Hooray.
It's both good and bad that it happened during spring break; I get time to rest and don't have to do a bunch of schoolwork. But, at the same time, I can't really go outside that much and so I can't go adventuring as much. And there are less people to take care of me, so I can't even loaf over to the dining hall to get food - I guess this is what it's like to get sick when you're living on your own.

Anyway, I still have a review to put up! Last week, I spent some time downtown and we stopped into a small burger joint called Paul's Hamburgers. It was another one of those quirky places with interesting wall decorations and a don't-mess-with-me attitude. Although I felt that the staff was a little terrifying because they acted terse, they had excellent burgers! I ate the second burger I have ever had in my life there and it was delicious.
I didn't feel that I could sit there for very long to write because the atmosphere was something like a biker stop where you eat on the run, but if I were to go back I would write in the time before they delivered my meal (as I did this time). Throughout the restaurant they had a medley of ironic signs and since the grill was open for the public to see, you could easily write about the thoughts going on in the minds of the workers there. All very intriguing.
I've found a lot of interesting restaurants downtown that provide me with canon fodder for stories, but I wonder what else is in the uptown area. Maybe I should start checking that out.


Read more of my writing in strange places reviews.
And check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Tea

That's it. I've been converted.
Heathy (a long long time ago) sent me a sampler of three types of loose leaf tea, and so I asked my dad for the best Valentine's Day gift ever: a tea ball.
So I have now opened both the Darjeeling and Earl Grey teas, smelled their deep aroma and gazed at their dark brown leaves... and was thus converted. I am now going to switch over to loose leaf tea completely once my bag tea runs out. Ah, Heathy and her strange intuition of teas...

In other news, everyone is dying from sickness and we lonesome souls brave the school days with our fallen comrades in mind - apparently, my Super Cold took out nearly half of my friends (including Joshka, who hasn't gotten sick in 5 years...) Oh well; get better soon is all I can say.

And, I have decided not to up the ante for my word count until this weekend. After my revisions class, I will determine what I want to work on the most: revising my novel or writing 500 new words every day? That is the task for this Saturday.
Then, and only then, will I know my true destiny...

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

A Midsummer Night's... Whugh!?

That was amazing!
I always forget the rush I get when performing... Anything, even if it sucks, is just so much fun.
Tonight was the first presentation of A Midsummer Night's Dream and I played Hermia. We messed up a lot of Act III and a lot of our lines were flubbed; I started coughing during the final bit and was about to cry... but my costume was amazing! And people were actually enjoying it! Most everyone I talked to thought it was really funny and well done - granted, a lot of them knew that I'd been sick for the past week so they let me off the hook (I guess that audience forgiveness schtick was true, never realized...)
I am having such a bipolar feeling about the performance... I know that I was intensely angry and spiteful when I first came to rehearsal, but once we got down to the final minutes beforehand I felt so incredibly happy and we looked amazing [the props were great too! I don't know where they came up with half the stuff though...] Then throughout the play I was sweating bullets about where we were and what lines we had missed. But finally, at the end, so many people were there to celebrate us that it just felt amazing and great and wonderful and I can't wait to do it again tomorrow! Ah!
Well, I must now rest my voice again because that cough set me back light years on the road to recovery. We go in at 12 tomorrow and are definitely going to go over Act III. Hopefully tomorrow's shows are going to be a million times better - I just need to have water and tea nearby at all times!

Also, the photograph is of Hugo and I in costume [courtesy of Elaina], practicing Act V. At that time we had too few chairs and no replacements, so I sat on his lap. Not awkward for me, but I think he was floundering under my weight... Curse you, weak men who can't support average-sized women!

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.
If you're interested in more theater-related posts, check out the photographic journey of my production of Speak and it's write-up.

Ok... So...

I am notoriously horrible at posting on these things. But, with a gentle prod from one of my friends, I have been steered back to writing on it (if only because I need to take out some ranting emotions)
These last three days I've been extremely sick and sweating my lungs out -_-. There's nothing better than waking up in the morning and realizing 'ah, yes' I have just as much phlegm in my body as a newborn cow. At least today I can read without my eyes going completely fuzzy - I was getting hallucinations trying to read The Great Gatsby for English class yesterday. Anyway.
These days there's some sort of merit in trying to distract myself. I need to get out of the social sector next year; hang out with people who kinda-sorta matter to me instead of parading around with so many clubs and activities at school. I love IHS stuff, and I love being leader, but I'm going to college in a year and 4 months: I need to distance a little bit. Now that the play is done, I've at least been severed a little bit [ridiculous, frustrating, time-consuming fun]. I'm taking a Hugo House class and am chained to tennis (which I love, because it simplifies my life... although I still suck at running) so at least it won't be too harsh a break, but... yeah. I really kind of want to just jettison off by now. Maybe it's a little melodramatic, but I really want to escape. Too much stupid crap and not enough freedom. Not to mention slim pickings when it comes to friends and dates...
Ah, well. In two weeks Heathy is coming, and then I will feel a lot better and more like a tigress instead of a pussy cat. Hopefully I won't be hacking up my own internal organs by then.