Changing My Own Life

I have recently been entertained by a phrase my friend Jess told me, quoting another poet, "If you are too consumed by grief and have to watch bad TV shows, then you are with your ancestors." Glad to know that my ancestors are not disappointed in me for watching days and days of House on Netflix.

I have been suffering from moments of defeat recently, personal and professional. I moved too far into possible futures and instead ended up just where I started -- stuck. Life is not so easily changed, no matter what my fantasies.

I don't know how often most people give themselves permission to hide under the covers and feel overwhelmed by the doors shutting all around them. Facebook tells me that I am meant to have a montage of successes, near-professional photos, and funny cat video re-posts. And it's easy to feel like I'm burdening even my most well-meaning of friends when none of the material things have changed. My life situation isn't any better, but it isn't any worse. I am exactly where I've been before.

I've been thinking about resilience. It takes tremendous strength to change your own life. But I have been meeting more and more people who, despite their burdens, have been making that effort. It's not glamorous, but it deserves praise. And while I'm stewing and scheming, pushing back deadlines and spending time "with my ancestors," I must remember that I too am one of these people.

Until I can feel well again, I have been listening to poetry that inspires me. Check out these poems -- inhabiting very different emotions -- by Stacey Ann Chin, Tarfia Faizullah, and warsan shire.

A Burst of Emphasis

My Vocalize class really went well today. (haha, understatement of the year)
I don't know, maybe I just thought of all the high school stuff that goes on when you're addressing your peers and when there's something, ya know, serious that you're working on and everyone just doesn't seem to get it but... it wasn't there. It was wonderful. The class was such a safe environment for workshopping. I really really felt that when Kate started bringing up some really heavy emotions and cried on stage. That was really amazing. Because it wasn't shocking at all and we were all very helpful with her - not critical or giggly, but just really happy that she could go there and come back. She says she's never cried when she read it off the page, but that once she memorized it... that was just a powerful moment.
My own experience was not as extreme, but when I went up there and worked on two of my favorite poems (which were also, consequently, the hardest ones to work on) I really felt welcome. Maybe I'm a different person in these outside classes versus who I am at school [in fact, I know I am. why do I even have to say 'maybe'?] Not to be repetitive, but it'll be nice to get out of the high school atmosphere so I can be that person I like more often. To the poems, I think I realized that I am not being as crazy as I think I am when I read them to myself. A lot of what I learned was to really trust my instincts - because they're good, they just need practice. The other thing was that I had to face the devil in my pauses. x_x I learned... pauses aren't awkward for the audience! They're just awkward to stand up there and feel the pause. I have to practice that. The main thing is to keep an image of enjoyment in your mind to sustain a calm pause and not a twitchy one. *must work on that*
I think I'm going to go to Cheap Wine & Poetry on Thursday. Maybe I'll do a piece on the open mic. Maybe I'll bring a friend.
That's another thing. I think I've totally gotten over everything (I'm probably lying to myself again, but as of this moment...) In terms of letting everything out and, you know, trying my best not to care anymore. It's a nice release-like feeling. But I've probably screwed up. I'll see how it is next week. I just don't want to be the only one working for a better friendship, so I must see where he's at too.
Last note: I have such a paranoia about my music choices! GAH! I love a lot of pop. I admit it. 90's - mid-2000s, I'm totally there. Motion City Soundtrack, New Radicals, Garbage, I love you!
[mock me if you will, non-conforming conformist rock people!]

o_o

My God...
I just realized. I'm absolutely terrified.
I don't know, maybe I never really had any confidence, but man... I just started feeling it today. Maybe it's nervousness, maybe it's the fact that it's my own material, but really. I am scared. Scared of not knowing what I'm going to do with these poems and trying to work on them and working to be criticized and shot down and told that they're not good enough (or that maybe they are and I'm just fooling myself) Scared that I haven't been able to write well for a while and that I'm getting back into it and I don't know where I'm at. Why can't I be fluid? Loose? Free? Where was I back then when I wrote these beautiful things? Where am I now? That seems so petty to say. Gah. Stupid insecurity.
Maybe it's really the fear that what I want to be isn't what I'm living up to.