Medaille du B.I.

That's what's in my picture today - my IB Candidate medal!
I don't know why they don't give us medals after we get the diploma, but I guess it makes sense that we won't all be nicely compacted in high school when those results come in. I'm both nervous and excited - but I definitely want to get out of high school in this flippin' second.
I practiced my grad speech today and was pleasantly surprised; it didn't suck! I relive that non-suckage every time I read it, which is nice.
In other news, I had another scary episode of dreaming about the future and how things will be in college and leaving everything behind... I woke up at 5am out of a dream just thinking that nothing would work out in my relationship. Fortunately, I got this piece of advice off of my boyfriend this afternoon:
"Don't think about all the things you're going to leave behind, think about all the things you're going to."
Simple and true. Something to live by.

I am grateful for...
The art of making mini-zines and the flexibility of said small projects. Seriously, it's just great to feel like you finished something and it actually looks GOOD.

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Considerable Thought

Think Simple Now has got to be one of my favorite sites right now. I read a lot of their articles just to peruse the different ideas for feeling better, having better self-image, and creating a better environment.
Alongside TUTs Adventurer's Club and Gala Darling, they need to be given their props for teaching me many things to better myself. Check it out!
Aside from that, I have little to say but love yourself, make your own decisions, and take breaks! (Because heaven knows that's what I did today!)

I am grateful for...
The sweet look on my boyfriend's face when he's asleep. Most anyone asleep is really cute, but especially if it's someone you care about.

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Creative Lessons

I have been bursting at the seams to just do something other than school. Thankfully, we only have 7 days left, and I've finished all my projects up to now - but that still does not mean I have been sitting pretty with the whole "spending seven hours of my life" thing. However, I will just pray that this week moves as fast as I believe it will and look towards a summer of crafting and personal time.
My mission is to consolidate myself; focus on the creative and work with less. I amassed a lot of stuff during the years due to either creative ventures or packrat habits. So, in focusing on a new era of my life, I am moving away from the old clutter and towards simplicity. I really like having space in my room these days. But, enough about all my plans, now on to some writing!

I found a memory box that was in the living room (which is code for "kept away from J's crazy cleaning episodes") so I really wanted to write a poem about it. Unfortunately... it didn't come out as well as I thought it would. Oh well, life's a journey! Here it goes.

Ode to a Missing Box
In small spaces
Where old papers are often shoved
In the attic
Or basement
Or closet, untouched
The minute hand ticks
Raking in the moments before...

I pass out these gifts
Collect wizened acorns
And jaunty hair bands
Bring buttons, umbrellas, letters, and crayons
Back to life
Then send them, once again, to silence.

When does a memory
Stop being an object?

When I close its doll eyes
And press it snugly to sleep
Thence it creeps
From the glowing vibrations of being "now"
Into the immeasurable heap
That wide expanse
Of teal papers, crimson hats, empty promises,
Shrugged shoulders, sighs and rats;
"What were you thinking?" comes to mind.

My mystery box, a missing box
A wickerwork/cardboard/metal creation
The lazy foundation
For the years after the formative years;
Youth ignores you
Not callously, but without guide
Big boys and big girls let you dwindle and fade
Jobs now, babies, and still getting laid
But!
In the waning years of our ever-waxing moon
We wish to unearth you
Remember all your details, plot holes, and character devices
Like all those pleasant novels that we heard about when we were kids

Sometimes...
We seek out the embrace of stuffed toys
The cardboard-bound books
The makeshift craft fairs and first attempts
(Then, of course, we curse ourselves for not being so diligent)
You open for us
That whole hidden world

Missing box, mystery box
Shoved away in blank spaces
Reappear on blank pages
Save us shame later by exploring us now
(Who's to say what's adult anyway?)
We crack open your lid
Shake the dust from your sides
Bring you close to the eye...
And let the moments before pour out every last drop

The spell has worked!
Mystery box, missing box
Now we are free...

I am grateful for...
Being able to take a zine class at Richard Hugo House! On a whim, I asked my dad to sign me up and now I'm going to learn how to bind books; I always do better with an instructor. Go dad!


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Speaking with Myself

In the last week or so, I have decided.
Yes, decisions were made. Big and small, long-term and short-term... but all in the name of rejuvenating my motivation. And, thankfully, it seems to be coming back (yippee!). So let's see what some of them are...

1. Junk food detox - currently, I am on day 3 of this; no junk food for a week in order to reset my eating habits. Willpower! Must... be strong...
2. Journaling - I realized, recently, that I don't need to pour out all my problems onto other people when I can have a relatively simple fix by writing it down. So, I have begun daily autopsies of my current state. Not for this blog, but my private journal (something I haven't done since 7th or 8th grade - imagine that!)
3. Note-taking & writing - writing has been sooo far away from me lately. Like, lightyears. After going to Write-o-Rama this weekend and re-awakening my love of writing down crazy random things and making zines (which are just perfect for miniature thoughts, haha), I realized I cannot just put down writing until I go to college. It's something to be done in the here and now! And, it is something to post up on this blog.
4. Bursting of stage fright - I took the opportunity to do some performance work at Write-o-Rama; needless to say, I'm out of practice. But, I believe that, after bursting my stage fright bubble with my grad speech, I have to memorize, internalize, and personalize it before I can find it acceptable. The nervousness is because I haven't worked with it yet. I haven't molded it into what I want it to be. So, that's my next step.
5. Stuff to do! - I made another, much longer, list of things to do. And it includes biking with my dad, cooking something daily, and a lot of other projects that will occupy me with the act of doing something. My biggest realization? Start now. I have been putting off many of these items because of petty reasons ("It's not summer..." "There are other things to do right now...") but what does it matter if I finish this book next Wednesday or in August? There are always new things to start later.
6. Explore Washington - belatedly, I want to explore my home state. With my boyfriend, with my friends, we will pass through the memories and create new ones before I go. (Come to think of it, it sounds fairly dreary when I say it that way...)
7. Returning to old passions - perhaps the most important on this list, I have decided to return to moments that I love but have chosen not to do. Writing is one, yoga is a big second. Then there are just other things that I haven't even thought about doing but know I want to - like knitting a project other than the squares, photography, making a collage, and re-learning how to Photoshop. All very important things that I seem to have let quaver along the way.

Time and time again, I have these realizations. Most of this list is hopeful in nature; I haven't yet done everything but definitely will work on it. I want to re-establish who I am and do stuff for me. School has taken that away from me, but it's not the only culprit. I have definitely let my steadfastness slide with the final weeks of school trickling down...

Countdown: 8 days left.
See you at the finish line!

I am grateful for...
This sentence: "I have sent you nothing but angels," said by God in the story The Little Soul and the Sun, which my yoga teacher suggested when I asked her about how to control anger. You should read it; it can be found here: The Little Soul and the Sun

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