Part of My Self

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Not a typo, I swear.
I was just reading on GalaDarling again, and on the email updates from TUT's Adventurers Club, and I am confused. Confusion seems to be the opportune mot; I am feeling as if a continental shift must occur.
I... well. The first thing I need is to do my classic action: make a list. Then maybe I can sort out my personal confusions into easier managed bits.

List of My Self Presently:
1. I complain too much. So what if I have tons of work and there are people that annoy me, etc? It's not like I need to talk about it all the time. There are a lot of great things going on in my life as well that I should focus on more readily.
2. I am creative. Sometimes I feel as if everyone else is doing something more personally fulfilling than I am. Ka-chan has her art, there are writing classes I can't take, the boys are so much better at sports... but, seriously? I have the opportunity to sit down and write, to knit, to make collages and work on whatever I want. A varied amount of interests and a world to explore.
3. I am NOT OLD. When you're at the end of something, I think there's just this feeling of being 'old.' Coming out of high school, obviously, does not make you physically old. But there are just some telling signs that you've been around the block. I think that's part of why college seems exciting - it's a chance to be new again! But for right now, we are not old. I am not old. It is just a different circumstance than it will be in a few months.
4. I am not alone. I forget that a lot of the time because I focus on relationships in terms of intimacy. In that sense, I have no one. But there are always people to call [Heathy, Charlotte], people to hang out with [Grant, Kita], and people to make conversation with [my tennis team... haha]. So, in a way, I have become a closet optimist by remembering that there are other types of relationships out there that don't have anything to do with making out on someone's couch.
5. I am one person - and that person is not 'we.' Maybe it's from being part of a collective lately that I have treated individuality as somewhat... strange. Like it's all cool to be going to something alone or that I am just oh-so-odd to take some time for myself. No! That's the theater/tennis/class-of-2009 mentality that 'we' are all in this together. In a few months, we will no longer be together. It will be me (at college, granted, with friends, granted - but always me) that wields the power to make my own choices. And that's it.

So that's what's been confusing me lately. I believe a lot of it can change, which is nice. Change is difficult, but I've done it before and I hope to do it again - nothing gets accomplished without a little pushing.
Possible solutions that I constantly need reminding of: call friends, take a break, do something creative, knit, start a project, read, write journal entries, exercise... LIVE.

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