Drained & Lonely

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

It seems pretty random to me that the hot chocolate box makes specifically 39 servings. Why not 40? Or 38? Or 27? [mine actually probably did only make 27 or less, because I always add WAYYY too much powder to make it super thick]
On another, probably more important note, today was the first day of physical rehearsal for Speak. I need to find a way that people will listen to me that won't make me an extremely harsh person or lose my voice to yelling. That is the rub, isn't it? Oh well, people are having fun.
I took a nap today. It felt so good to actually get a little extra sleep... I think that my thoughts are still surfing in that mode right now because right after I put up this post I am going to climb into bed.
In a weird lucid way, I am really wondering about my future as a person. I mean, I love to do a lot of things and I want to explore a lot of different experiences and roles and whatever else; I feel like I am pent-up but at the same time not doing enough. I want to go to college and be selfish, because it really is a selfish thing to pursue exactly what you want. It's not a bad selfish. You just indulge in yourself and make everything worthwhile for you. Perhaps I am just fluff-coating it.
I don't really know what I'm saying sometimes. I think of college as a glittering metropolis of people and activities and, in a way, that was true of our summer experience. But the worries are getting to me nowadays. I just can't understand that soon enough I will never see these people again [or at least until I come for vacation, which seems really not like 'seeing' them as I do these days]. I am starting to feel really lonely and needy all the time for some random reason [Mercury is apparently in retrograde, I'm sure I could blame this on planetary alignment]. And I'm feeling hypocritical too. And unproductive.
And on top of this, I now realize that I am super critical of myself. Funny, right? I'm criticizing my hyper-critical attitude.
This is really all about me getting myself out to myself - because if I don't say it now then it's going to come out in shouting matches or axe murders or some other method of hurting people in between those two extremes. I need yoga. And sleep.
Maybe my container has exactly 39 servings and I am teetering on the edge of 37 1/2.

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