I remember Heathy and I trying to make a website one time... before www.thecowation.com became my personal project and after the JDishia site became a total failure [not entirely because my computer crashed and I lost all its data]. We were avid writers back then, and we tried to create a website for "teens" (though we were pre-teens at the time - aspirational children!) that was about writing and life.
It was a total failure.
It wasn't a terrible plan, it was just like... we didn't know what we were doing. And we didn't know why we were doing it. And so now, when I think about it, I think about what sorts of plans I've had that may have flopped in the past and why. Just in general. Why didn't I ever successfully stow away in the back of Heathy's truck? Why did our relationship peter out after the first NYC trip with Molly? Why couldn't Chels and I actually take over the world?
Some of these things, I realize, were totally unfeasible from the start. But others are more... simple. Understandable. Doable even today, I believe.
So maybe it's time to look back on the past and see whether what I've done and not been able to do has always been contingent with my belief system or my determination or if it was just plain lazy impracticality.
These days, I know that I doggedly pursue things (for the better, I believe) but sometimes that gets overwhelming too. After Speak, I think, I'm going to take a vacation from people and things and realities that I don't like. Take a little island adventure back to JDishia and figure out whether my main character in WWIII is actually a function of Chels and I plotting to take over the world in 4th grade. Who knows? My writer side might even try to resurrect that failed idea of making writing interesting for teens and start something completely new with it.
It's all a matter of time.
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