Project x Project: How Did This Start? Moments in a Writing Life (NaNo Day 5)

I have had a lot of embarrassing moments in my writing career.
Looking back on it now, it seems that my childhood addiction was paper. I have half-finished or quarter-finished or even one-page-out-of-150 finished journals lying about my house, ones that have not been cracked open for years (fortunately, nowadays I am re-using that paper for my class notes).
As a pre-teen and teenager, I wrote depressing poetry that was cringe-worthy - my journals were full of unrequited love notes (as I had many a great crushes in my youth) and poems that expressed my angst and depression in stranger language than I thought possible to construct.
I felt unafraid in the 6th grade to print out my 100+ page unedited novel, put it in a binder, and present it to my middle school English teacher for editing. He never got it back to me, and I was too shy to ask for it back. That was also a year that I started writing query letters to editors about whether they would take that meager bit of work.
I submitted poems to several contests, some of which were for children much younger than me, and ended up feeling embarrassed and even more misunderstood.
And then there were the diaries...

When I list these anecdotes out, I still cringe and giggle nervously. But I am also weirdly thankful that they happened. Because I now feel like a much more mature writer than I was when I started. In between those silly flights of fancy, I also got out there to take classes at Richard Hugo House, read my work at poetry slams, and feel strong in starting (and sometimes finishing) a long piece. I got to experience the full gamut of emotions - from apathy to zeal - of writing.
And now, as I hurriedly try to get back on word count for my NaNo novel, I realize that becoming a writer is something akin to climbing a craggy dragon's back while it's still trying to buck you off. A laughable and enormous task, but one that can only be taken one scale at a time.
I leave you with a thought proposed to me by my African American literature professor: whatever you write now will eventually be published as your juvenalia, your early works before you penned the Nobel prize winner.

7,003 words

Read more about my NaNoWriMo attempts and successes.

Project x Project: Questions (NaNo Day 4)

I can already tell that Wednesdays and Thursdays are going to be the hardest ones to keep up on NaNo. After returning to school and not having the entire day to gallavant off into novel land, I have been slammed with late hours and been mired in writer's block.
But, all is not lost. Pushing NaNo into the small spaces of my life really forces me to do it without editing or breaks or anything like that. After reading the pep talk today, I was also really inspired by the idea that things don't have to have a direction to be relevant - Mercedes Lackey was talking about fanfiction, but I think it can apply to everything.
So, here's my little adjunct for the writers out there that want to get started on something: start with a question.
What must your character do in order to get from one place to another?
What will your character be wearing?
What will the world be like?
What is the purpose of this gadget?
What color is the sky?
All of these things can change throughout the progression of your work, but if you are taking the thing on as a whole, it might become daunting. Writing out the questions allows me to frame things as a dialogue in my mind - even better, bouncing ideas off of someone else can generate a more pronounced effect.
I think that when we are trying to create something, it's best to take it in these small chunks and work them into the broader piece. And the moment of generation can be daunting to a lot of people. So pose questions to yourself about what and why and where and how and who. See where it takes you.

And my update on word count for today? It's 11:40pm and I haven't done my word count for today, but I am on par with the 3 day count, so I'll get there!

Read more about my NaNoWriMo attempts and successes.

Monthlies: Planning for November (and NaNo Update!)

Check out this TED Talk video about innovation. It's by Steven Johnson, the guy who wrote
Everything Bad is Good For You. (Kudos to Tracy V. Wilson for putting it up and writing NaNo!)

Planner? Check. Red pen? Check. Thoughts crowding my brain like an angry bunch of tourists in a hotel elevator? Check.
Every month I set down a list of goals for myself, and this one is no different. Other than the obvious ones such as "Write NaNo," I make ones on healthy living and on putting myself out there. It gives some structure to the ideas that I want to uphold during that month - if I don't get around to all of them, that's fine, but I try to at least keep them in the back of my mind for reference. And, at the end of the month, I make another list of accomplishments that keeps me fresh and feeling good about myself.
I know that many websites will tell you about the glory of setting goals down on paper and making sure that you do them, and I will emphatically support them. But, in my case, I take the list as a loose construction of ideas rather than one that is set in stone. For example, I want to start working out more regularly, so I put that down as one of my monthly goals. I didn't specify what I wanted to do - yoga every week or swimming three days a week or what have you - I just put it down as a tiny reminder that this is what I was thinking of earlier in the month as something I wanted to try. No pressure.
Being the memory crafter I am, I also really like to look back at these lists and see what I was thinking over the year. Did it change? Did it stay the same? Afterward, I'll make a collage or something about all my ideas, whether they are laughable or great.
Another thing that I've been picking up with greater fervor these days is a "Worry Journal." Although the title may make you think that it's all bad news, I use my worry journal as a place for ideas that are pingponging around in my brain. Mine manifests itself as a large pink-papered legal pad that I first used in conjunction with The Life Organizer but morphed into a less formal endeavor. I put down expansions of those goals, ideas for writing, piece of things that I like, etc, inside that notebook. And soon I might start using it as I used to do my sketch journals - pasting things in and bringing together disparate objects all into one place.
Anyway, what you must have gathered from this episode of list talking is that I am a major records keeper. Well, I am, and a darn proud one too.

October was the month of getting out there, since I had felt that I was hermitting out more than I should. I found myself in some interesting places, such as Pala Pizza, Bluestockings, the Hollaback lecture, and the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear (which you'll hear me spew on about for a long while).
November is the month of personal projects for me; I want to finish NaNo, work on collage, work on some self-assigned drawing projects that aren't related to class, and especially to work on making connections in the blog and zine communities. Right now these plans are in their infancy, but I'm outlining small steps to make them a reality.

What would your monthly goals be? What would your accomplishments for last month look like?

As for the NaNo update, I made word count yesterday but I have not yet written my words for today and I don't know whether I can get to it (eek!), but I'm hoping to get it done on the weekend and to charge ahead then. The first day back at school is a tough one for writers!

Read more about my NaNoWriMo attempts and successes.

Project x Project: NaNoWriMo Day 2

(I carried this plant all the way back from Virginia)

For everyone out there who feels like they're drowning in word count: you are not alone.
Today my roommate and I returned from Virginia to New York City. Our cumulative journey consisted of a 4.5 hour bus ride, a 30 minute cab ride at stomach-churning speeds, a nice Italian dinner and an hour braving the supermarket lines so that we wouldn't go hungry for the next week. All in all, we were out from 11am to 8:30pm. And I haven't worked on my NaNo yet.
I'm trying to channel both inner harmony and the energy to stay awake long enough to finish my word count. Wish me luck.

Oh, and, happy election day!

Read more about my NaNoWriMo attempts and successes.

Project x Project: NaNoWriMo 2010 & On Location: The Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear

For those of you who don't know, National Novel Writing Month occurs every year in November. It's a time when writers come out of their holes and join in an online race to the finish - 50,000 words written within the month. And I am doing it. Again.
I have "won" for the past two years (which means that I've written two novels) and participated for the past four. I feel like a seasoned veteran when I say that, but I also feel completely new every time I sit down to type out the requisite word count for each day, approximately 1667 words (if I have told you 2500, please forgive me!)
This year I will be busting through a long-held fear of mine: starting on my sci fi trilogy. I have always wanted to bridge the gap between literary fiction and sci fi, because in the Venn diagram of readers, there seems to be very little overlap in those who read each of those categories. A lofty goal? Perhaps. But that's what this month is all about - experimentation and improvement.
And this month I want to tack on another little experiment to this month: daily blogging. Maybe I'm going insane, but my mind is telling me that if I tack on just another hour spent writing (about something completely different, perhaps) in my blog will help me grow as a committed blogger. Which has been on my to-do list of things to become for much too long.
What will I write about? Perhaps a few sentences about how my novel is going. Perhaps about my daily outfits photo shoot (oh yeah, that's still going on). Or perhaps it will be about some amazing rally that I went to over the weekend...

And with that unsubtle segue, we come to how I am spending my fall break: in Washington DC as one of the 150,000 to 200,000 attendees of the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear!
My roommate graciously provided accommodations since her home is located in Alexandria, VA (very near to DC, for those not as knowledgeable about East Coast geography). We took a 6 hour bus ride (that should have been 4 hours) down here on Friday night, and then piled into the subway on Saturday morning for an exciting day of rally fever.
I must admit, the biggest rally I had been to before this one was the MLK Day rallies in Seattle. This rally outclassed them by about 149,000+ people. There was a fever in the air when we got on the subway. The entire Mall was filled up by the start of the rally, and we were fortunate enough to meet up with Mr. Stephen Bronskill and get tickets to go up front.
Here are the conclusions I've drawn from this rally:
1. Subways. New York subways are FAR superior to DC (and no, that's not me just being a snooty New Yorker - if your trains aren't large enough to fill the entire subway platform, you have a problem)
2. Signs. People are really creative when asked to make signs about anything. I was snapping photos of anything and everything I found interesting, and there was a lot!
3. Adam & Jamie As much as I love the Mythbusters, I really don't think they should perform live. Ever again.
4. Public Displays of Affection Perhaps my only complaint about the rally was a pair of teenagers making out in front of me the entire time... I think it was just inappropriate for that situation.
5. Stars The Roots? John Legend? Yusuf Islam (Cat Stevens)? OZZIE?! My excitement mounted each time they brought out a guest - it was so fantastic!
6. Songs I am going to be singing Love Train and The Greatest, Strongest Country in the World forever now... please look up videos of the rally for the second one, it was a skit by Jon and Stephen that was really addictive.
7. Message. Aside from the hilarity, it was really comforting to know that so many people understand that the media is overblowing the issues and that we shouldn't treat each other poorly based on their opinions.

Overall, I was extremely happy to be able to attend this event and even more excited that Stephen could provide us with such a great position in the crowd. So much thanks to be given to that man!

P.S.
My pictures are available at Deviantart!

Follow me around the world with my other On Location posts!
Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Lists: 19x19 Birthday Lessons & Loves

(click to see a larger version)

Today is my 19th birthday. It was a fairly low key affair spent with gourmet pizza, vegan desserts (Pala Pizza and Babycakes are both delicious!), and my dear roommate Liberty. For the workaholic in me, there was also a gift: I mandated that I could do no work today for any class, enforced by said roommate. And so, as I lounged around on subways and reflected on this year in my life, I thought I would do something rather silly and awesome. Make a list.
But unlike regular lists of to-dos and goals for the future, this list is one that looks back on my life lessons and loves in my first 19 years. The collage above and the anecdotes below are representatives of some of my best-loved words of wisdom and material possessions nowadays. The items are in no particular order. So, without further ado, here is my 19 by 19 list.*

19. Big dreams, little steps
I have always been a big dreamer. When I was in kindergarten, I announced proudly that I wanted to be a writer, and that hasn't much changed in all my years of life. I have molded it to fit in with a practical lifestyle, but it persists in my mind as one of my most important goals. Becoming a writer, as defined by me, has come in a series of steps. Step one: write a lot. Step two: write badly. Step three: ameliorate said bad writing. Step four: repeat for years and years until finally you can look back on your writing and say 'hey, maybe that wasn't such a bad idea.' That's the stage I am at now. By this time, I have written three novels (unpublished as of yet), a running set of blogs, a set of short stories and poems, and several zines and personal essays. And I'm still going at it by forcing myself to write and finding the diamonds in the rough.

18. Artichokes, mushrooms, and olives [my favorite veggies ever!]

17. Trying new things
I am a terrible beginner. I get frustrated if it doesn't come easily. When I was in my angst-riddled teen years, I used to throw things (knitting needles, video game controllers, dumbbells...) across the room. But, at my now great age and wisdom, I have learned to combat it. I will always get frustrated when I don't understand or feel completely uncoordinated at something (*cough* roller derby *cough*), but my desire to try new things will generally prevail. I tell myself: "You love to do these things. Why would you give up now?" And usually that's all I need.

16. Zines, podcasts and blogs [independent media rocks my socks off]
Some suggestions:
PODCASTS: Stuff Mom Never Told You, Stuff You Should Know, Body Love Wellness podcast, The Moth podcast, This American Life, and (for those of you ok with raunchy sometimes sexist humor) The Mens Room podcast
BLOGS: Already Pretty, Body Love Wellness, Weightless, New York Times Wellness blog, Sepia Mutiny, FunkyBrownChick, Racialicious, Feministing, Salon Broadsheet, How Stuff Works, GalaDarling, Refuse the Silence, and Well Woman (those are the ones I read daily or write for... I am an information nerd)
ZINES: Too many to count - check out the Barnard Zine Library if you're in NYC or ZAPP in Richard Hugo House if you're in the Seattle area! (my zines are featured in both these locations)

15. Body acceptance
This has been something I've struggled with since I was in my early teenage years. I learned that I didn't "look right" as compared to my white, thin, more developed peers, and my depressive years made that stick with me. But, since coming to college, there's been a profound change in this outlook. Culminating with my daily outfit photo project, I have become more used to the way my body looks and how I want it to look. The two have reconciled, which makes me feel much more safe in my own skin.

14. Handmade items & photographs

13. Long-distance relationships
I didn't know Josh and I were headed towards this until we got here. We were dating in high school and now... now it's bee 1 1/2 years, half of it when I was away at college. The internet makes it easier, but this type of relationship is inherently hard. I feel like we've proven our mettle as a couple just by attempting it, which makes me feel like - dare I say it? - we might stay together for a long time.

12. Letters/notebooks/paper [the tools of the trade]

11. Self-love
Yoga, sleep, reading, writing, taking long baths, crafting, moving my body, eating delicious things... these are some of my methods of self-love. What are yours?

10. Clothing from the thrift store [e.g. the majority of my wardrobe]

9. Passions & self-study
School is only (or even less than) half of all the learning you do in your young life. College has opened my horizons on a lot of things that I was interested beforehand, but never got the chance to see in depth. But I think that having a passion outside of school really enriches your life. I have many - from DIY to derby - but it's ok if you just have one or two. Josh has guitar and an encyclopedic knowledge of diseases. How about you?

8. Books [please, become as addicted to bookstores, manga and fiction as I am]
7. Small adventures in NYC [which you could argue are actually huge, but frequent]
6. Headphones & Sansa Fuze

5. Living with others
I can't imagine not living with other people. I was afraid to sleep alone at a friend's house for many years, and still feel some discomfort in empty rooms. I think it's a valuable experience to learn independence and how to set up boundaries, even if you decide you want to live alone later on.

4. Roller skates

3. Creating
Creating anything from a knitted scarf to a collage to a piece of writing is always an awesome feeling. It's something that is fundamentally yours and so personal.

2. Good food [and the occasional Top Ramen fix]

1. Growing
I have been wrong a lot in my life. Although, even now, I get a bit miffed if I am wrong about a subway train or a random fact, I also believe that being wrong is a source of growth. Of healing. I don't have to be correct all the time in order to be wanted or capable of something. I think that growing up enough to know that is perhaps one of the greatest lessons I've come to know.

*The idea for this list was inspired by Marissa Falco's mini-zine 39, which can be found on the shelves in the Barnard Zine Library (and I had to read it for work!)

If you enjoy this list, check out the plethora of lists I make on a regular basis.

Personal Healing: Contact

I am theoretically happy.
I say theoretically because it sometimes feels like I am in a vacuum, all light and sound collapsing around me. I am holding in all the feelings that I've made myself too busy to feel, and sometimes things implode without me noticing it.
I have had mild depressive episodes since I was a teenager and most of them were related to loneliness and apathy. I solved them then by finding more faith in God and religion or by busying myself to the point that I could ignore the feelings until they went away. I started to restructure my life to be more accepting of myself - my body, my likes and dislikes - and the depression began to fade away. It would come as blips in the radar, anomalies that could be explained away as they came up.
But moving to NYC has been hard on everything. Though I would reward myself for my independence, I would also feel like I was slipping away from something. I was losing contact. I am a social person by nature, but my sociability didn't make me happier. It didn't make me feel like I was doing any good. I was drowning in shallow water, and I didn't know anyone who could help me out.
Contact. The all-important necessity that a lot of New Yorkers don't get. The manufactured contact between my long distance boyfriend and myself was great, but it was still something that neither of us could touch. I had contact with a few friends, but most of the ones I could communicate deeply with were far away. And casual contact here means attending the same events and then parting ways, no follow-up date or growing partnership.
And sometimes I blame myself for this - why didn't I call her again or send more messages? Meanwhile, rather than proactively seeking ties and friendships, I slipped into more of my delusions; working and academics were what I was here for mainly, right? I was dunking my head in without even realizing it.
Is this what it feels like to be an adult? Perhaps that is the cold reality that I need to swallow, the water that I'm drowning in, this transition between youth and adult. But I still hold on to the hope that human contact is not so hard to achieve, that it is still lurking out there somewhere.
I don't think that this is my constant reality, this depression that dogs at me sometimes. But, on the rare occasion when I am yearning for something more than a club meeting or a casual conversation before class, it is sometimes hard to put that in perspective. I think of all the lonely things: how my boyfriend is 3000 miles away, how I won't get to hang out in Washington till summer, how I wish I had a pet to hold or something. It's a frustrating thing to have little motivation because it turns into a cycle of negative thoughts and actions. You're not helping yourself during this.
Recently, life in the city has been hard for this reason. I have to break my own cycles and get some help, but it's an exercise in positivity when I don't feel I have any. It's a weird charade. But I have to keep trying.

*This post was not meant to bother anybody or invite them to worry about my mental state. I think that most people get sad sometimes, and this is just my method of expressing it rather than holding it in. If you would like to chat with me about it, please send me an email or a private message on Facebook. Thanks for your consideration.