Support Project As[I]Am & Keep Me Accountable this NaNoWriMo!

A widget of my NaNo completion stats; if you want more details, check out this link.

To donate, you can subscribe to our Patreon and become a monthly donor or, for one-time donors, go through our PayPal.

It's the start of National Novel Writing Month and I'm going to dedicate my messy 50,000 words towards completing a draft of the novel draft I have been working on concertedly for the past year.

I also devised a way that you can keep me accountable to that goal while also supporting Project As[I]Am, the online Asian American arts and activism publication that I work on (see the silly video with my cat in it above -- forgive me for not looking fully into the camera!).

For every day that I complete my NaNo benchmark goal of 1,667 words, I am asking for your support in donating $3 (or more) to As[I]Am. You can check the widget up top to see my progress. By the end of the month, I will not only have made my word count goal, but I will have also earned enough to produce the next issue and podcast. Check out the one we've got up, "Our Greatest Resource," in case you haven't already.

If you don't have the funds to donate at this time but want to support us with a skill and/or promote to your friends, that is more than enough as well -- get in touch with me on Twitter or via email.

 

Gentle Goals & Soft Manifestations (Or How I Stopped Obsessing Over Books)

There once was a girl who wanted to read all the books in the world. She believed sincerely that she could chew her way through book after book, never re-reading and never looking back. She would read the good with the bad, the classics with the post-modern, and eventually conquer all the material there was out there.

That girl grew up a little bit, started writing her own work in the same proportion as she was reading. Created many good stories, learned a great deal of lessons about writing and publishing and how expansive the world of literature is. But she still held on to the idea that she could finish every book in the world someday. Someday.

And then the fated day came when that little girl became a teenager and felt like the entire world was too overwhelming. Including the world of books. She threw her head down on her desk, long hair flowing, and felt her illusions unraveling - there was simply too much to get through! Oh, the crushing defeat...

Ok, so perhaps my childhood fantasy went on a little too long. But, at one point in my life, I sincerely believed I could conquer all the written material in the world. I realize that's impossible now. And this hyperbolic personal example serves to illustrate my greater point: expansive expectations are the stuff of fantasies. They are bound to disappoint.

Gentle goals and soft manifestations, however, make magic happen.

3 Ways to Follow Your Dreams (Even the Tiny Ones!)

At the end of yesterday’s post, I wrote about my dream of becoming a roller girl someday. Thus far, that dream may be one of the most daunting ones I’ve ever undertaken. It requires the patience to develop a skill that does not come naturally to me – who thought that me, the wall hugger at the skating rink, would be willing to fall on her face just to learn how to jump on skates? And so, today, I wanted to impart a sort of action plan for how I will be following that dream and how you can follow your own.

Project x Project: Aspirations and Experiments

I am a list addict. That's right, I've admitted it (yet again). And for the upcoming summer I have made a list with subsections of items that I want to begin or complete during that time.

But this time I've done three things that are a tad bit different with the list:
1. I have made all the statements into "I want to..." forms
2. I have decided whether they are an aspiration or an experiment and indicated that
3. I have put a reason next to it about why I want to do such a thing

Monthlies: Planning for November (and NaNo Update!)

Check out this TED Talk video about innovation. It's by Steven Johnson, the guy who wrote
Everything Bad is Good For You. (Kudos to Tracy V. Wilson for putting it up and writing NaNo!)

Planner? Check. Red pen? Check. Thoughts crowding my brain like an angry bunch of tourists in a hotel elevator? Check.
Every month I set down a list of goals for myself, and this one is no different. Other than the obvious ones such as "Write NaNo," I make ones on healthy living and on putting myself out there. It gives some structure to the ideas that I want to uphold during that month - if I don't get around to all of them, that's fine, but I try to at least keep them in the back of my mind for reference. And, at the end of the month, I make another list of accomplishments that keeps me fresh and feeling good about myself.
I know that many websites will tell you about the glory of setting goals down on paper and making sure that you do them, and I will emphatically support them. But, in my case, I take the list as a loose construction of ideas rather than one that is set in stone. For example, I want to start working out more regularly, so I put that down as one of my monthly goals. I didn't specify what I wanted to do - yoga every week or swimming three days a week or what have you - I just put it down as a tiny reminder that this is what I was thinking of earlier in the month as something I wanted to try. No pressure.
Being the memory crafter I am, I also really like to look back at these lists and see what I was thinking over the year. Did it change? Did it stay the same? Afterward, I'll make a collage or something about all my ideas, whether they are laughable or great.
Another thing that I've been picking up with greater fervor these days is a "Worry Journal." Although the title may make you think that it's all bad news, I use my worry journal as a place for ideas that are pingponging around in my brain. Mine manifests itself as a large pink-papered legal pad that I first used in conjunction with The Life Organizer but morphed into a less formal endeavor. I put down expansions of those goals, ideas for writing, piece of things that I like, etc, inside that notebook. And soon I might start using it as I used to do my sketch journals - pasting things in and bringing together disparate objects all into one place.
Anyway, what you must have gathered from this episode of list talking is that I am a major records keeper. Well, I am, and a darn proud one too.

October was the month of getting out there, since I had felt that I was hermitting out more than I should. I found myself in some interesting places, such as Pala Pizza, Bluestockings, the Hollaback lecture, and the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear (which you'll hear me spew on about for a long while).
November is the month of personal projects for me; I want to finish NaNo, work on collage, work on some self-assigned drawing projects that aren't related to class, and especially to work on making connections in the blog and zine communities. Right now these plans are in their infancy, but I'm outlining small steps to make them a reality.

What would your monthly goals be? What would your accomplishments for last month look like?

As for the NaNo update, I made word count yesterday but I have not yet written my words for today and I don't know whether I can get to it (eek!), but I'm hoping to get it done on the weekend and to charge ahead then. The first day back at school is a tough one for writers!

Read more about my NaNoWriMo attempts and successes.

Another Month, Another List

I have a love/hate relationship with lists.

At the beginning of every month, I get out my well-worn planner and write two lists down in red pen: Accomplishments and Goals. The notes can range from personal things (like, see more of the city) to academic things (make sure to get homework done in advance) to just practical things (make sure to buy groceries every week). I have completed this "tradition" since the end of last school year - and, so far, it has been pretty profitable.
It seems like just another to-do list, of which I make many over the course of just one day, but this one is slightly different. I rarely look back at these goals over the course of the month. I forget most of them in a few days. But, for some reason, I find myself at the end of the month having completed most - if not all - of the goals and then some. Somewhere in my subconscious, those goals are lurking around, predicating what I do with my time.

So, that's the good part about making lists. They can really program your brain to think linearly, to make things happen, to finish things off. But there are some things about making lists that also make me feel insane.
Have you ever made a list and felt that it was controlling your life? That it was going to judge you for not finishing it? These ideas sound absurd, but when you become a chronic list-maker like I am, it's hard to get away.

On the weekends, I will still make lists of what I need to do. Deviation from this list feels like breaking out from a padded cell - I spend some time lazing around on Low steps or walking through the city, and I feel both reckless and nervous. What if I don't get everything done on time? What if I don't finish the list?
I feel like I'm drowning in work and even my own free time activities feel like another burden to be ticked off. On top of that, it reduces my personal spontaneity and creativity.

So, what is there to do? Shall I be chained to my to-do list, never getting time to sleep in or wander the city without guilt? The predictable answer is 'no.'
I'm still learning as I go, but refraining from obsessive list making is the first step. Making a list only for specific things (homework, say, but not free time activities). And I have to make sure that I find a new down-time past time - yes, I make lists every time I am bored, even if they are repeats. Lists can never fully disappear from my life, but they don't need to take it over either.

Speaking with Myself

In the last week or so, I have decided.
Yes, decisions were made. Big and small, long-term and short-term... but all in the name of rejuvenating my motivation. And, thankfully, it seems to be coming back (yippee!). So let's see what some of them are...

1. Junk food detox - currently, I am on day 3 of this; no junk food for a week in order to reset my eating habits. Willpower! Must... be strong...
2. Journaling - I realized, recently, that I don't need to pour out all my problems onto other people when I can have a relatively simple fix by writing it down. So, I have begun daily autopsies of my current state. Not for this blog, but my private journal (something I haven't done since 7th or 8th grade - imagine that!)
3. Note-taking & writing - writing has been sooo far away from me lately. Like, lightyears. After going to Write-o-Rama this weekend and re-awakening my love of writing down crazy random things and making zines (which are just perfect for miniature thoughts, haha), I realized I cannot just put down writing until I go to college. It's something to be done in the here and now! And, it is something to post up on this blog.
4. Bursting of stage fright - I took the opportunity to do some performance work at Write-o-Rama; needless to say, I'm out of practice. But, I believe that, after bursting my stage fright bubble with my grad speech, I have to memorize, internalize, and personalize it before I can find it acceptable. The nervousness is because I haven't worked with it yet. I haven't molded it into what I want it to be. So, that's my next step.
5. Stuff to do! - I made another, much longer, list of things to do. And it includes biking with my dad, cooking something daily, and a lot of other projects that will occupy me with the act of doing something. My biggest realization? Start now. I have been putting off many of these items because of petty reasons ("It's not summer..." "There are other things to do right now...") but what does it matter if I finish this book next Wednesday or in August? There are always new things to start later.
6. Explore Washington - belatedly, I want to explore my home state. With my boyfriend, with my friends, we will pass through the memories and create new ones before I go. (Come to think of it, it sounds fairly dreary when I say it that way...)
7. Returning to old passions - perhaps the most important on this list, I have decided to return to moments that I love but have chosen not to do. Writing is one, yoga is a big second. Then there are just other things that I haven't even thought about doing but know I want to - like knitting a project other than the squares, photography, making a collage, and re-learning how to Photoshop. All very important things that I seem to have let quaver along the way.

Time and time again, I have these realizations. Most of this list is hopeful in nature; I haven't yet done everything but definitely will work on it. I want to re-establish who I am and do stuff for me. School has taken that away from me, but it's not the only culprit. I have definitely let my steadfastness slide with the final weeks of school trickling down...

Countdown: 8 days left.
See you at the finish line!

I am grateful for...
This sentence: "I have sent you nothing but angels," said by God in the story The Little Soul and the Sun, which my yoga teacher suggested when I asked her about how to control anger. You should read it; it can be found here: The Little Soul and the Sun

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Projects Wanted

Please inquire within.

Today, when I came home, I realized... summer is going to be boring. I'll be in obvious anticipation of my entrance into college, but in the meantime, I definitely cannot just sit around and do nothing. I will honestly annoy myself to death with that - worst case scenario is actually the seasonal depression I feel during summer will return. And I don't want that!

So, instead, I must think of projects to do during the summer. The obvious ones are listed below:
- Beautifying J
- Reduce It (minimizing the amount of stuff I have around the house)
- Memory Collages (via digital photograph and real paper)
- Read (all the books on the shelf? done)
- College Blanket (less than 9 squares to go!)

But, aside from those, I need some creative ideas that might get me up and doing again! Let us brainstorm...
- NaNoWriMo (editing or start your version of the month with short stories)
- Learn to Cook (simple not baked goods stuff, something I've wanted to do forever)
- Craft Closet Bonanza (use all the stuff in there for something)

...I just ran out of ideas. Please help me!

Want to know how I broke out of boredom? Check out my DIY Interlude and Project x Project series to see the creative ways I eradicated the monotony.
Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Believe

This is such the more epic tennis shot than the one they gave me for sports photos! (Curse those fools! They cut out my multi-colored socks!)
Anyway, I have been reading a lot of blogs, articles, and things-that-generally-aren't-books in the past few days and realizing: they're just as valuable. I have not had the urge to pick up a novel recently; blogs, poems, Adbusters, National Geographic, and psychology texts like Brain Rules have been filling my radar. Enriching in a completely different way.
...
I think that I'm talking about all this stuff because I haven't been doing anything out of the ordinary. Other than the wayward dilettante affair with art-planning or lazing about the house, I have really just been playing tennis, going to school, and being the average kid that I am. It's nice, in some ways, but it also makes me think that what I'm doing in class is meaningless push-around before the exam. Nevertheless, we trudge onward.
Maybe I should just make my all-famous lists.

Things I'm Looking Forward To:
- College
- Graduation (oh! I wrote my speech draft, yay!)
- Getting a Sidekick
- Prom (once all this crazy planning stuff is finalized)
- Intramural all-year-long tennis (I have recently discovered that this sport, which I love, will keep me in shape forever)
- Finishing my college blanket (so huge and warm...)
- Taking apart my room to pack
- All the friends and family coming for graduation
- Growing my fingernails out (which is code for 'stop biting!')
- Sewing and crafting and knitting
- Coming back to the earth and the love of God
- Writing my next poem or short story
- You.

Anyway, after this moment of flappery, I think I'm going to do some light bio reading and nod off - another thing I've done for the past few days (not exciting, but definitely out of the ordinary) was to sleep in extra-much. I went to bed at 8PM last night and woke up at 3AM because of it. Then I fell back asleep and felt completely refreshed at 5AM when I really did get up. Ah... the strange life ness.

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

It's Never Been Ok...

After the euphoria and experience of the show, coming back down to regular life seems dull and slow. Thrill-by-the-minute cannot, obviously, continue forever - but today just reminded me that there are so many days and weeks left in the school year. I definitely need to get moving again, but "moving" doesn't look quite the same anymore. I have a lack of time and a lack of motivation; when it was just one, then everything was ok.
My goal for tonight is to finish writing my pitch. My goal for tomorrow is to edit the pitch and commentary, then find supporting materials. Wednesday will be completely devoted to practicing. Thursday, I will take my customary pre-exam breather, and Friday will be the actual presentation. What am I talking about? PPP of course! That stands for Practical Performance Proposal in IB Theater [Theatre?] terms, and all of our exams are coming up quick. I've decided to deal with it in chunks: this week, PPP; weekend, journal/IPP; next week, TPPP... I wish there was a suspension of all other work for these IB assessments but, alas, no.
As I use WASL week to my advantage [at least, in terms of R&R], I find myself waiting on the next inspiring moment. Hopefully Vikram Chandra and the other guests at My Avatar on Friday will spark my imaginative forces to move forward again - being stuck sucks. [I hope to resume to Picture Dictionary soon enough - maybe that will help] Don't know what everyone else does.

At least my TUT motivational quote seems to get it:
Have you stopped to consider that it's life's "disconnects," "almosts," and "not quites," Jordan, that make life's "connections," "gotchas," and "eurekas" so fantastically romantic? Good, because they were your idea.

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Take Me Away From Here..

Can you believe it? It's been a month since I've started writing 250 words a day. My Goal of the Month document now has 7500+ words in it [actually, since I write way too much sometimes, it has 12,200 words in it thus far]. I am on top of the world! And, I believe, I am going to start writing even more... to 500 words a day!
But that I will decide that this evening.
Once again, I am waking at 5am and hopefully will go to bed on time tonight at 9pm. This schedule has changed a lot of things in my life - I no longer watch TV nor do I have the same needs as everyone else when it comes to waking in the morning. Granted, I still forget some things, but I feel a lot more capable than I used to. And so, last night, I realized that I need to do another purge.
I am going to intensely clean the house (including places that aren't mine to tend) and find everything a place - including Goodwill or the landfill. I believe I can either sell or store the tiny television that I never use, separate myself from some childhood toys (or, better yet, turn them into craft objects) and tidy up all the places that have gone to hell in the last few weeks. Time for a change, right?
I also think that I want to buy some new clothing. Not sure exactly why, but maybe because I have been losing weight I want to treat myself. I don't want to call this a goal, but I think I will take it on regardless: when I lose 7 pounds [one pound more than I have already lost], I can buy 3 items of clothing (from the favorite thrift stores or Northgate).
Happy month-long journey!

Also, I don't know why this is my photograph for today. The angle is almost a mirror of yesterday's - one looking up and the other looking down. I think I was just sick of looking at cast photos.

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Now

I feel like such a whiner. Though I am still fairly down, I have buoyed myself up on a raft of progress and am no longer spiraling into terror. Hooray?

So I must now list some "magical cures" for sudden depressive flashes:
- Take a walk
- Narrate your life [preferably as you walk, with a friend on the phone or next to you in an equally depressive situation (I heart you, Charlotte)]
- Write out all your feelings... in different forms... again... and again... and again...
- Do something spontaneous [like driving somewhere completely foreign and getting lost]
- Failing that, do something crazy in your own home [like dancing and mouthing the words to old Britney Spears or other trashy pop songs]
- Call your friends
- Read Christopher Moore [Fool is a really great book - not yet above A Dirty Job for me, but awesome nonetheless]
- Do crafts
- Make a list of things that you're happy with in your life
- Work out [and leave all your frustrations in the gym]
- Sleep really early
- Sign up for something, make a new plan, work on something completely different [hooray random class sign up at Hugo House!]
- Put off all your responsibilities for later
- Remember that God and the universe provide and care for you; your incompleteness is not a fault, but an opportunity

Hopefully these ideas will keep my little raft afloat for a while. I really need to get out of here.

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Pre-Passionate

So maybe I always knew it would come to this. The timing is perfect, the schedules align... heck, even the technology is cheering. And so it seems to ask me: why not?
If I remember, my New Year's resolutions did not include "exercise more," yet the probability of that is going down and down as I continue to fulfill my first resolution: EAT LESS CRAP!
After reading those articles about how you can fulfill any goal, after changing my schedule to accommodate waking up at 5am and going to bed at 9pm, after realizing that audiobooks can now be bought and downloaded directly from Amazon, and after finally finally understanding that I am uncomfortably overweight, I now have decided - I am going to exercise more.

My decision will progress as follows:
- Wake up at 5am
- Work out for at least 15 minutes [as per the articles: make it so easy that you can't not do it]
- Attend the gym 3 times per week [Sunday, Saturday, Tuesday sounds good]
- Go to yoga [Mondays]
- Look for interesting classes at the gym or articles to keep up
- Download an audiobook and test out its merit
- Repeat for 4 weeks

If I hate it after 4 weeks, then I can scale down. If I love it after 4 weeks, I can scale up. There is no harm in trying, I think. And so, we go!

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Begin A New Regimen

I just started thinking about the word 'change' and I think that I would love to pursue a pretty radical one for my lifestyle [though it, sadly, does not have anything to do with the presidential inauguration...]
In an attempt to reprogram my schedule, I think I am going to test out going to bed at 9pm and waking up at 5am. That will give me 8 hours of sleep and 1.5 hours of time reapportioned from the night into the morning. The other measure that I will set for myself, however, is that I will not use that time for homework. I will use it for exercise, art, life, and other important measures.
Now, as with all grand changes, this strikes absolute paralyzing fear within me. I have never been a morning person and, currently, I am thinking of all the things that I won't be able to do [which isn't true at all actually because, as I am realizing, I really will just have that same hour transplanted over to the morning instead...] I can feel myself cringing inside as I mentally calculate that there will be darkness outside (which is similar to the night), that it will be cold (which is similar to the night), that no one will be awake (uh... duh?), and that I am going to die (probably not).
I have realized that the way of reprogramming myself really hasn't responded well to depriving myself of anything [such as my 'EAT LESS CRAP!' motto from resolutions - I have been falling off the ball this week and am desperately trying to claw myself back up] so reapportionment and addition seem to be the way to go.
I think that I will try and set myself on this grandiose schedule starting next week. On the weekdays (Monday through Friday) I will wake up at 5am and go to bed at 9pm. End of story. This will go on for 30 days in a test-J-to-see-if-she-can-win fashion. *grudging sigh* Let's get started.
Also, I heart my aloe vera plant; we cut off one of it's older limbs recently and the sap truly does heal dry skin quite well. My baby is the feature of today's photograph. Hooray!

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.

Happy New Year!

So, it's time to make resolutions and figure out what I'm going to do with my life for the next year! [after returning from the little schindig with Ka-chan, Sophia and the guys].
Photojojo said something really interesting/applicable that I think I am going to inherit. They say that you should focus on ONE resolution - and make it fun! I don't know if my focus is really 'fun' but I am going to choose the first one off my "prototype" list for resolutions as the one I follow most closely. Here it goes.

1. STOP EATING CRAP
There are many reasons for this: one, I don't like eating crap; two, it hurts my stomach to eat so much; and three, it just doesn't help me in my road to healthy living. Therefore, it's time to give it up. No more fast food and lots of lima beans from home for snacks - yippee!
2. Update blog more often
I think that it's good to communicate from the world, and from what Gala Darling puts up, it can be both inspiring and fun. I think that I am going to use my blog as a fashion diary; taking a picture per day of the outfit I am sporting [even the ones of me just in a t-shirt and sweat pants] and deciding whether they are worthy to put up. There are another bunch of ways to involve myself; probably craft project agendas and other things. I think I just need to write about, well, me more. Call it conceited, but I prefer to think of it as 'personal interest.'
3. Finish college blanket before college
This is seriously a no-brainer. It would just be sooo lame to finish it late considering I have half of it done already. Seriously, no duh.
4. Complete Davidson Fellows
It is an insanely difficult process, but I think I will emerge a better writer because of it. Regardless of the money, this challenge will let me write a cohesive portfolio and re-troll The Big Picture 2008 photographs for beauty and greatness. Good luck to me!
5. Produce Speak
This is vastly for me, my pet project. But I think also that the community benefits from these sorts of things. Talking about issues, approaching them in a new way, working our butts off to produce a play that the entire school is involved in [not just the students!] It will be an amazing ride and I won't let anything get in my way.

And thus, my resolutions are set. These aren't really 'resolutions' so much as goals, because I have a clear plan or am in the process of making a clear plan for all of them. There was only one prototype that I took off the list - to exercise more. I think that it will just flop because I always fail that one. I would like to concentrate on what I can do starting today rather than something I'll regret. The others I am going to toy with are: no swearing, use up all magazines/college mail in crafts and projects, make a zine to commemorate high school, keep up with all friends through the mail, learn to sew, watch more movies; less TV, and knit a well-fitting gorgeous sweater.
The theme of this year is to turn over a new leaf, and I am going to sell most of my wardrobe tomorrow and buy some new clothes to baptize this ideal. Hooray! Other than that, college occurs in this year, graduation occurs in this year, working for myself starts this year, and general mayhem and chaos returns in force this year! Let's enjoy it!
Oh, and in case you were wondering, here's the January 1st picture of my outfit - an orange dress I bought in NYC belted with a black shiny thing. The quality might not be too great, but I was experimenting with ISO speeds, flash, and looking down on a subject [hooray new perspectives!] Enjoy.

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.
You can see even more at my DeviantArt.

So... I Hit A Bump

I started watching TV again. I finished an essay draft but then felt guilty today for not producing the same result. I started knitting, realized that I was making it a task, and slumped back to watch a marathon of Mythbusters. Go figure.
But I have found a couple of interesting articles that are making me feel like I can get up again. I am going to call this day just a bump, and then get over it and work on stuff for the next week and a half with renewed vigor. Probably because I am going to put up my goals/plans on here so that whenever I click the link I know what is going on. Enjoy.
December 26th - January 5th Goals:
- Write...
- JFK essay
- HAMSA essay
- APIASF essays
- Davidson Fellows portfolio
- Edit...
- Elks essay,
- Extended Essay
- Research Investigation
- Sustainability essay
- Create...
- A Greeting Card
- Memorize...
- Midsummer
- Finish...
- French cultural project
- Jane Eyre
- Outlining Speak
- Theater reviews
- Sweater
Send...
- Letters to PCP friends
- Letter to Chiara

What A Difference A Day [Or Two] Makes

Well, today we are leaving for New York and Barnard pre-college is on the ample horizon. After having a fresh bout of apathy, I'm hoping this trip jogs me into finishing all the million-and-one things I have to do.

Goals For The Next Two Months:
- Research and finish big scholarship entries
- Davidson Fellows
- Young Epidemiologist Scholars
- Research and draft Extended Essay
- Have a thrilling pre-college time in NY
- Knit through most (if not all) six Cascade 220 yarn balls
- Design a sweater
- Workout/keep up with health goals
- Explode
- Reanimate after said explosion
- TAKE OVER THE WORLD

So, if I get through the entire list, then we will have a new [and trim] world leader, a bunch of written material and research papers, many elegantly knitted squares, a new cult fashion, and a few scraps of loose yarn.
I think I'll enjoy it.

 Read more about my awesome Barnard pre-college experience.
You may also be interested to read what happened when I started going to college at Barnard.

Extra Hairballs

I feel like magic and anxiety and annoyance and laughter. Yes, all at once.
There's a cluster of emotions falling in at the end of the year. The idea that maybe I should branch out and improve my life, the feeling that maybe I want to embrace something old... the classic feeling of frustration as teachers scramble to put in everything at the last minute. I am working towards the end of the year, which is in 4 days [not counting weekends] and I really feel like I need to police everyone again. And again. And again.
I like the idea of closure right now; it feels good to say that there's an end to these clubs (at least until needing to help them again) and that there's an end to the tests and the projects and the winding road of grade hassles [still need to talk about that with some teachers] Yet, at the same time, there's this grating nervousness that 'maybe I didn't do so well this year' or 'maybe I'm not good enough for this college' or 'maybe this' and 'maybe that.'
And, at the end of it all, I just feel like school has taken up way too much of my life. I know that I'm going to "school" in the summer, but learning has never been the problem for me. It's the fact that school itself is an oppressive environment for creativity/personal enjoyment. It's wonderful to have people around you and to be struggling together and whatnot... but how long do we have to struggle for things that are not ours? I really don't care about many of the classes I'm taking [thankfully, next year, most of those classes are gone].
I want to learn to be me in many ways; I want to work out and make my body what I want it to be, I want to learn what I am personally by exploration... but all of these things seem so lofty, right? I feel like magic sometimes when I discover how much has changed even in the last 3 months. I realize that I was completely different by going through my journal entries and remembering... I am notorious for record-keeping.
My "lofty goals" became something like:
- Purge room of unnecessary stuff
- Revisit knitting
- Write!
- Work out
- Play video games
And other things that are possibly too boring. Mundanities really do make the world 'real.'
In the end, this summer I really am going to be able to rediscover myself - if I could do some soul-searching in the brief period since Heathy left [April], then I can definitely secure myself over free time.
My Triple Threat Plan will pan out!