A Year Ahead; A Year Behind

If you haven't already done so, I highly encourage you to check out the "Our Greatest Resource" issue just released at Project As[I]Am. It features love letters, poetry, visual and audio art about the world we want to create. You can also hear our editors speak on the issue in our audio letter -- edited and hosted by me!

A quote I saw on the wall of a 5th grade classroom - "It's about progress, not perfection" in a loopy calligraphy script.

It was my 25th birthday yesterday and I had a bad cold (of course). It turned my brain foggy at work; it was a relief when finally I got to my three days off and could sleep in.


In my last post, I talked about creative drought. Somehow, while I was in the middle of it, a few public readings fell into my lap. I performed at Subdrift (a South Asian open mic that has come to Seattle) and read a piece of the novel draft for the first time in a public forum. It was fairly low stakes since it was an open mic, but the positive feedback really enlivened me. I read another draft piece as part of the QTPOC Artists of Color (volume 2!) book launch reading last night.

There's an effect called response-shift bias that I've learned while doing evaluation work. People come into a training feeling relatively confident that they know the material, but by the end they realize how much they don't know. So they rate themselves as having less knowledge than when they walked in the door. That's the place that I've gotten to in my research -- I've been anxious to begin new parts of the draft because it feels like there's a wealth more to do. What kind of bats would be in that tree? What is the archetypal trickster animal in that region? Where can I put in this detail without disrupting the flow? Elena Rose (who also read last night and co-edited the volume), described this process as "cat-vacuuming"-- when you're looking for more things to do to put off the actual project.

The past several years I've spent hopping from thing to thing, collecting experiences and research and deciding where to focus my energies. Years of discovery. I feel like this year, however, is one of depth rather than breadth. Not to say that discovery is over forever, but for now my desires have shifted away from acquiring a bunch of new skills to tunneling deep into the behind-the-scenes work. You may not see me a lot this year -- I'll be poking around at a few invisible behemoths, trying to see how big they are by feel -- but I'm sure that you'll hear a great deal about how it's all going. For now, I'm going back to my ginger tea and ruminating.

Highlighting As[I]Am's Spring Issue Release: "Resistant Bodies"

This week, As[I]Am (my emerging Asian American social justice online magazine) released its first themed issue, on "Resistant Bodies"! Other than being wildly ecstatic that we have finished up the editorial process, it has made me reflect on the growth of As[I]Am since I founded it last year:

Even in this short year, there were many points when I wasn't sure it would even get this far. I started the project through a fellowship, where I was fully supported through the development phase. At the end of my fellowship, I applied for a grant that I didn't get and thought: "There's no way I can keep doing this on my own." Without funding and unsure of how to proceed as a one-person show, I took a summer hiatus and reached out to my lovely current co-editor, Amanda. She renewed the energy of the project -- we started building a new mission statement and read up on how to create a successful funding campaign.

It feels like we have been planning for this issue for just about as long -- at the end of the summer, we decided on the theme. We drew up our lofty goals and made executive decisions. The work multiplied on its own. We brought on Kyla, our incisive new editor, and all of us got really excited about the journey ahead.

There were highs, when we felt real cohesion. And there were lows -- when the rest of our lives became overwhelming or this "side gig" seemed like it was eating up our entire headspace. Being "on-call" meant that I would stop in the middle of the street to email someone back or stay up till 5am for an editor retreat. As with any project that I deeply care about, it became a part of me.

In some ways, As[I]Am was started for me to have an excuse to talk to Asian Americans beyond my own community doing meaningful work. And while that is still my favorite part of the experience, I am seeing more and more how media can serve our communities in more than just chronicling our struggles. I am seeing how it can, slowly, create community in the physical world as well as online.

This issue release makes me energized for the future -- more and more, our lofty goals don't seem so unreachable, and we are setting up a solid foundation. So, please click through and see the work of our amazing contributors and please get in contact if you would like to submit your own voice to the mix in the upcoming months. We'd all be so excited to hear from you!

Waiting On a Sense of Peace

It's been a full month since I've posted, and I've been aching.

I feel like I've slowed in working on all the projects that began so promisingly in June; so much steam has been lost, not because I haven't been thinking about them, but because of life circumstances that have made it nearly impossible to spend the time, care, and attention necessary to make them shine. I have been thinking, planning, and even writing posts and updates, but something always gets in the way.

Some good: I started a new, fulfilling (and draining) job. Some terrible: a crisis in housing that has forced me to pick up and live out of suitcases for the upcoming month. And some just the season: it's hot in New York and it's Ramadan, so I may have low energy levels and don't want to push it.

I think that it's a funny to feel guilt at not producing anything when no one is looking over your shoulder - I am bossing myself, though no one else would ever come down nearly as hard on me. I want to write about activism and fasting, healing spaces, participatory learning, expressions of community anger... and yet what I come up with are yawning posts about how hard it is to keep energy afloat when you are transitioning out of an unsafe living situation. It feels like I should be going that extra distance to make something good out of hardship, but I often just choose to sleep.

I am waiting on a sense of peace. If the last week is any indication, my journey is not over. Though I wish I could be active in the process, my security for now is determined mostly on patience. And my creativity, consequently, must follow the same rules.

In the coming weeks, I'll have a little more to say, but bear with me for now as I make these important transitions.

Notes from the ELLA Retreat

Check out the Sadie Nash Leadership Project by clicking on the image above!

Whenever I get out of the city, I feel a mild distress - I'm missing so much! I have so much work! - but upon arriving at the ELLA fellowship retreat location (a kindly staffed but rather creepy church in White Plains), that feeling began to gradually ease back.

I had planned for disappointment about this fellowship. The decision announcement deadline had passed and I didn't get any 'yay' or 'nay,' so I sent off a shy follow-up email. It was like easing off a Band-Aid; I knew that my disappointment would heal, but I had wanted it so badly. Imagine my surprise when I received a prompt reply: they had misplaced my application! They wanted to do a phone interview! The next day. And their retreat was on Saturday, so could I make that?

Needless to say, I received the fellowship and had to race away this weekend, packing a small backpack for the night. My project - on connecting Asian American social justice activists and youth online - was added to the melange of projects on everything from surviving police brutality to resisting gentrification through public art.

But as much as I was happy and excited, I still found myself nervous cleaning our kitchen late the night before. My thoughts went on the familiar track: would I have enough time and was my project good enough and when would I finish all my homework!? I feel confident now, but would I be in a few months?

When the newly minted fellows got to our rooms in the mildly-Exorcist-reminiscent church with its tiny low-lit rooms, we approached each other very cautiously. By the end of the first day, we were bonded in worksheets and sharing the struggles that our projects hoped to address. By the next night, we were already making plans to hang out beyond that weekend. Why was I nervous again?

I love meeting down folks and learning new skills, so it's a wonder. The Band-Aid had already come off. But I also owe my regeneration at least in part to being out of the city - I could eat shepherd's pie till my stomach burst and not have to care about cleaning dishes afterward. There weren't any meetings that I had to run too after the long day was supposed to be 'done.' Although it's a cliche, the tense energy of my city life wicked itself away even after just a night away. And most excellent, my kitchen is spotless.