Thither

Thither

This is the point where I realize that editing is a really long process. A really long process.
My class today was extremely enjoyable, however, because of that realization. It really demystified the editing process for me and made it seem like a lot of fun because - as everyone should probably know by now - I am somewhat of a grammar nerd.
We went over sentence-by-sentence edits today amidst other topics, and I want to go learn the grammar rules and etc. now! I have some books on it, but I have not had the time to crack them open yet. Now, at least, I have an excuse to! Hoorah!

Anyway, besides that, the word I got today was thither. These assignments are a lot more interpretive than others and involve a little more editing - which makes me feel more "artsy" as a photographer, haha. I really enjoy it so far because it is a challenge that I'm embarking on [every day!]
When I first started thinking about the word, I was heading out to get my hair cut. As we passed the miniature forests, Da made a comment about the underbrush and how you can see it in winter. So I thought that I would journey out and get that for thither because when I think of it, I think of fairies and forests and mystical things. [I saw a BRB sign by the way, haha! It was amazing - the construction workers put it up in the middle of Redmond. If only I had my camera!] But then, when I got home, I realized that thither might be something completely different. I knew that I wanted to use the dead roses from Valentine's Day in something, so I grabbed them and went through the elaborate process of making a makeshift tripod in my stairwell to take this photograph. Ah, books and a step stool and cropping skills... quite nice when combined in the right fashion!

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My Self

I wish there was a reason to cry. Because then it would make sense and I would be able to - without guilt, without fear of my own emotions. I would be able to express without thought, without judgment. But instead there is no reason. There is the sound of my breath as it moves in and out of me. There are the soft melodies and notes that make up the universe. There is the feeling of remembrance that I want both to shirk and to embrace. There are the sirens.
And the heavy weight behind my eyelids, telling me that I am about to let go, about to release... that tyrannical feeling that indicates a misplaced mood. I don't know how to explain it. I can only make metaphors to its existence. The hazy sun behind a white sky. The skinning of the raw pelt. Saying goodbye to your father for the last time.
I have no reason to cry and yet it lurks there, a pressure in my skull, the untapped desire.

I am scared that the apathy is coming back. I am scared of the depression I used to feel... the way it would make me seize up, a paralysis of thought and action. I am terrified beyond words that it might be coming back to hit me again. I didn't want the experience, but now that I know what it feels like, I want to run from it.
When I last had this feeling, my solution was life-changing. I embraced God in a way that I had previously never thought about. I gave up on the purpose of things. I just don't think I can do that again...
Please, someone, fix me.

Check out some more posts featuring my photography.
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