What God Has Given Me

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I believe I should count what I have received in my life. If I am not satisfied, I have been spoiled too long.
- I am thankful for my family, being alive and healthy.
- I am thankful to live in this country, with a house, provided for.
- I am thankful for my cats, who understand my mood swings.
- I am thankful for my best friends, Kita and Heathy and Chels and Ka-chan, who have been there for me when needed and even when not.
- I am thankful that I get to learn, have the chances.
- I am thankful for my health, my eyesight, and my nearly perfect teeth.
- I am thankful for my passion, the need to write, the opportunity to do so.
- I am thankful for the ability to read and understand.
- I am thankful for my emotions, which range far and wide, from love to tristesse.
- I am thankful for music.
- I am thankful for being able to watch the seasons change.
- I am thankful for being 17 and not dead and gone.
- I am thankful that I can work with my hands, knit, craft.
- I am thankful that my body is warm.
- I am thankful that I can breathe, in and out.
- I am thankful to take yoga, and the venture to unlock myself.
- I am thankful for knowing, for watching the news, for learning the world.
- I am thankful to be introspective; a little girl masquerading in her mother's shoes.
- I am thankful to be able to think about the future.
- I am thankful for photographs, memory books, and the visions of the mind's eye.
- I am thankful for being able to love.

Odd Timing

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Believe me, we are not created equal.
On this stepped territory, with the wind rushing through our hair, there's not a shred of doubt that misery befell us once before - and now again. Just let it wash over your skin and caress it like a shadow's past. I am unspoken, still deceitful, unforgiven. Box me up and pattern me. Make me into that hostile package of your childhood lost; an innocent rose turned thorny. If you expected it, then maybe it is true.
I don't want to be dealt your kisses like a mercy plea, I don't want to listen to the hype they pile on your shoulders and tune out to the rest of the world, I DON'T want to care when you stab yourself in the back - let me clean that up for you, maybe you'll appreciate me more that way.
I am not your prized possession, and I dare not walk that line. But, at least, acknowledge me. Make me better. Into something fit for your consumption. Bask in the fire and flames of my forgiveness: don't wall me off to the tragedy of ice. We are not business associates but living human beings. Do I have to bug you until you listen to me, or will I be heard when the floors need scrubbing?
Please don't make this a song that needs repeating. Why do I have to follow you up the steps and down, why must I 'follow' at all? You're not my master, savior, ventriloquist [giving voice to my limp tongue]. I am not your stagehand. Don't mock me with your lectures. I want to hear your sound and not your speech, no more rhetoric for me. I won't take forgiveness for this brute honesty, it's shit and you know it.
I want to be heard.


Saturday, October 4, 2008

As I have said multiple times before: I want college.
Maybe if I say it enough times it'll come faster. However, in the present moment the first few weeks of high school have petered into nearly a month of the same scholastic opportunities as last year. I am feeling less stressed but also more bored as it pumps along. I feel like my whole life is spent doing homework [either getting it ahead of time or getting it on time or trying to study for something...] or counting the amount of hours that I sleep or regretting the fact that I didn't write or make time for myself today. I am sure that I am gaining weight because when I get home I'm hungry and I grab whatever is there, and I am also conflicted on whether I sleep too little or too much [because sometimes I get to bed at a reasonable hour and other times I take too many naps.] I don't know why these things worry me, but I guess that the lack of balance is throwing me off. I don't have time to run to the gym [nor do I have a car right now...] and I am trying to work as hard as I can on everything and yet still make time for me. Curse the problems of living life.
In general, I am pretty happy. Get to go to my clubs, football games, make a fool of myself... the average stuff. I just wish that I had my full freedoms and liberties allotted to me. Not even outlandish things either - I want stuff like: choosing what time I eat lunch, being able to go out late on weeknights, and seeing my friends on weekends [they never have time because they're slaves to the homework/good grades/responsibility machine - is no one ever spontaneous anymore?] Luckily, I am going to be taking a class at Hugo House soon and I think things will even out by then.
If they don't... spontaneous combustion time.